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“I’ll never stay with someone who cheats.”
For most, cheating is the ultimate betrayal to experience in a relationship. How many of your friends have told you that they would never stay with a partner who cheats on them? Have you ever said that yourself? “Cheating is a deal breaker.” It seems so simple, easy. However, it is much easier said than done.
Maybe you find out that a person you have been dating for a few months has been unfaithful. Easy: we can separate with little to no collateral damage, maybe I haven’t even met your family or friends yet. What happens when you find out your partner of one year has been unfaithful? Your partner of five years? Someone you’re married to? Your coparent to one or multiple children? It may not seem as simple to end those types of relationships. You have a life together, a family, a house. Everything is so intertwined and maybe that deal breaker is not so black and white. Let’s talk about what this dilemma does to the partner who was cheated on.
Betrayal of Trust can be Traumatic
Experiencing a betrayal of trust from your romantic partner can be a traumatic experience for some, especially when that betrayal is a result of infidelity. Current research shows that some people have presented with symptoms similar to those that fall under PTSD. That may seem extreme to some since it’s more common to associate PTSD with traumatic violence that is witnessed or experienced, such as the experience of those who have been in the military or are first responders. So let’s review some of the symptoms:
- Intrusive thoughts: “Where is my partner right now? Are they with that person?”
- Nightmares: “I woke up after dreaming I walked in on them having sex.”
- Avoidance: “I won’t go there, they went there together.”
- Hypervigilance: “Who are you texting? Where are you going?”
- Feelings of shame: “What did I do wrong? I can’t tell anyone about this.”
These are often things that I hear my clients say after their partner has cheated on them. It may seem little, like no big deal. But when these experiences become pervasive and impact daily tasks (going to the store, having dinner around the kids, getting out of bed) it becomes clinical.
Let’s Talk about the Grief
Grief expert, David Kessler, says: “All grief does not have trauma, but all trauma does have grief.”
When there is a betrayal of trust after an affair, there is grief to be processed. Grief about what the relationship was and what the relationship would be. How many people think about what life is going to be like with a partner in the next year? The next five years? We have to grieve the loss of the relationship as we knew it (my best friend, the love of my life, the person I thought would never hurt me) and for where we thought the relationship would go (endless love and trust forever).
A person may also have to grieve their own identity. Remember that deal breaker? If I am suddenly second thinking about that deal breaker, then who am I? Am I weak? Am I a fool? Do I not have standards? Do I not respect myself? The decision to end a relationship that you are and have invested in is not an easy decision. So if I previously was so adamant about cheating being a deal breaker and I am now reconsidering that, I have to come to the realization that I am not the same person I believed myself to be. I have to grieve the loss of the person I thought I was.
The partner who had the affair also has a grief process to go through. Again, there is grief around identity. “I never thought I would be the type to have an affair. I always told myself I would leave a relationship before it ever got to that point.” There are many reasons people have affairs, and those reasons don’t always mean you are a bad person. Our society has demonized the act of infidelity and the partner who has had the affair, so it makes sense to start second guessing your own values and who you are if you have had an affair. So if you are reading this and no one has told you this yet: you have done a bad thing but that does not have to mean you are a bad person.
This next concept may feel out there, but stay with me for a minute. The partner who had the affair may also have grief around the loss of the affair partner. This might be a person you built a strong emotional connection with, who felt loving and supportive in a way you had been craving. This might purely be a physical connection, sex or intimate touch you feel you have not been getting and you desired and now that is gone again. For whatever reason, there may be grief here and not only is it okay to feel that but you need to process it to move towards healing.
Where do we go from here?
When the deal breaker no longer seems so black and white, the next thought is often “How do we fix this?” Which also means how do we rebuild trust? How do we get past this? Those questions alone often feel so big and defeating that often people choose the path of least resistance: let’s just move on. No real discussion, no processing the experience, no skills to change the relationship dynamic. Instead it can often become a dirty little secret that people outside of our main support system know nothing about. This is the path that leads to future infidelity, feeling like you are living under the same roof as a stranger, resentment. The list can go on and on.
Many people are quick to identify therapy as being a path to repairing a relationship after an affair. However, identifying the path and committing to the path are two different things. You may have the thought that going to couple’s therapy could be beneficial, but what does that mean? How could a therapist help? And if we can’t answer that question for ourselves, then the idea of therapy does not get followed through with.
So how can a couple’s therapist help rebuild trust after betrayal? Well, John and Julie Gottman have some ideas.
Atone, Attune, Attach
The Gottman’s have developed a model for recovering from affairs in 3 phases.
Phase 1 Atone
- Goal: Work on rebuilding trust by addressing the betrayal with full transparency, where the partner who had the affair can express remorse for the affair.
- Tools: Asking questions about the affair to help minimize rumination, learning about flooding and establishing a break ritual, minimizing the Four Horseman
Phase 2 Attune
- Goal: Improve communication to facilitate better understanding and connection.
- Tools: Using the Gentle Start Up, learning new conflict resolution methods, witnessing each other’s experience (ex: pain), and exploring how the relationship dynamics contributed to the affair
Phase 3 Attach
- Goal: Re-establish connection and commitment
- Tools: Rituals of connection, stress reducing conversation, expressing fondness and admiration, having State of the Union meetings
To circle back to the idea that when there has been an affair we have to grieve the loss of the relationship as we knew it to be and hoped for it to become: the Gottmans talk about how rebuilding after an affair is essentially creating “marriage number 2” with the same partner. This mindset can be so helpful to honor the relationship as it was, let go of the hurt, and create something new with new tools, new skills, and a new connection.
Are you curious to know more about the Atone, Attune, Attach model? Does it already resonate as something that can be helpful to you? Visit www.sdrelationshipplace.com or call us at (619) 535-8890 to schedule a consultation and get connected with a San Diego therapist who specializes in utilizing Gottman Method skills to help couples navigate rebuilding trust after betrayal.