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judging, contempt, sacrifice and shame

The Gift Mistaken for a Loan: Why Sacrifice Breeds Resentment, and Altruism Breeds Shame

Relationship, Self-Esteem /

This article is part of a three-part series on Shame and Contempt Every long-term couple is keeping a ledger, whether they’ve admitted it to themselves or not. It usually isn’t about money. It’s about sacrifice: I gave up what I wanted so you could have what you needed. And underneath that ledger sits an assumption so old neither partner remembers agreeing to it — that this is how love is supposed to work. You sacrifice […]

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contempt, defensiveness, weakness in partner

The Cost of Perfect: Shame, Defensiveness, and Why We Can’t Bear Our Partner’s Weakness

Couples Therapy, Relationship Research /

This article is part of a three-part series on Shame and Contempt In Part 1, we looked at contempt — how it functions as a shame defense, converting “I am inadequate” into “you are the problem.” But contempt has a subtler sibling that does the same job with less noise: defensiveness. Gottman’s research describes defensiveness as self-protection dressed up as innocence — the righteous counter-attack, the excuse, the “it’s not my fault” reflex. It sends

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contempt and shame in couple relationship

Sulfuric Acid for Love: Understanding Contempt Before It Erodes Your Relationship

Couples Therapy, Relationship Research /

This article is the first in a three-part series on Shame and Contempt A lively argument can lead a couple to deeper understanding, trust grounded in respect for differences, and even great makeup sex. And sure, every couple gets tired, short with each other, and occasionally unfair. That’s not what predicts the end of a relationship. What predicts it is a specific tone — one where a partner isn’t just frustrated with what you did,

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Type C mom with her child

What Is a “Type C Mom”? A Therapist’s Take on the Viral Trend

As Seen In, Parenting /

If you’ve spent any time on TikTok lately, you’ve probably seen it: the “Type C mom.” Not quite Type A’s color-coded calendar, not quite Type B’s go-with-the-flow shrug — something in between. Organized enough to remember the permission slip, human enough to serve cereal for dinner and call it a win. The trend has struck a nerve, and it recently caught the attention of Good Housekeeping, which asked our co-founder, Dr. Dana McNeil, PsyD, LMFT,

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couple in retirement revealing partner change and growth

Retirement Doesn’t Change Your Relationship—It Reveals It

Relationship, Retirement /

What My Conversation with The Washington Post Made Me Think About Long-Term Love   When The Washington Post recently interviewed me about retirement and relationships, I was glad to see a national conversation turn toward something I discuss with couples every week. Retirement is often treated as a financial event. In my therapy office, it’s usually a relationship event. We spend decades preparing retirement accounts, meeting with financial planners, and imagining what life will look

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couple gaslighting in relationship

Is Gaslighting Happening in Your Relationship? What to Know and What to Do

As Seen In, Relationship /

Have you ever left an argument with your partner feeling confused about what actually happened — not just hurt or frustrated, but genuinely unsure whether your own memory can be trusted? If so, you’re not alone. And there may be a name for what you’ve been experiencing. Gaslighting has become one of the most frequently discussed topics in couples therapy today. While the word itself has become something of a cultural shorthand, the behaviors behind

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Dr Dana McNeil and Jeffrey Young podcast redefining commitment

Redefining Commitment: Our Debut on Last First Date Radio

As Seen In, Dating /

Commitment used to come with a script. You said the vows, took the role, and the relationship ran on autopilot from there. That script doesn’t hold up anymore — and saying so out loud, on someone else’s microphone, turned out to be a milestone of its own. Last month, Dana and I joined Sandy Weiner on Last First Date Radio for our first podcast appearance on that program: “How to Redefine Commitment for Modern Relationships.”

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couple choosing therapist

How to Choose a Couples Therapist: Why Understanding the Problem Comes First

Couples Counseling /

Searching for couples therapy can feel overwhelming before you even make a single call. Should we try Gottman Method? Emotionally Focused Therapy? A couples intensive? Discernment counseling? The options seem endless — and most websites ask you to choose one before they’ve learned a single thing about you. As a couples therapist, I’ve always found this a bit backwards. The most important question isn’t which therapy method is best. The most important question is understanding

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