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couple choosing therapist

How to Choose a Couples Therapist: Why Understanding the Problem Comes First

Couples Counseling /

Searching for couples therapy can feel overwhelming before you even make a single call. Should we try Gottman Method? Emotionally Focused Therapy? A couples intensive? Discernment counseling? The options seem endless — and most websites ask you to choose one before they’ve learned a single thing about you. As a couples therapist, I’ve always found this a bit backwards. The most important question isn’t which therapy method is best. The most important question is understanding […]

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couple in therapy getting furious and colluding

Why Couples Sometimes Work Against Therapy Without Realizing It

Affairs/Infidelity, Couples Counseling /

I recently taught a CAMFT (California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists) and Gottman Institute training for therapists on a topic that doesn’t get nearly enough airtime in couples work: collusion. Specifically, the subtle, silent, often unconscious ways therapists can drift out of neutrality without realizing it. But the part of that conversation that’s stayed with me most has less to do with therapists, and more to do with couples themselves — because plenty of

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ways to thrive for men and women

The Many Ways to Thrive: What Thriveways Has Always Meant

Growth, Thoughts /

I celebrate myself, and sing myself, / And what I assume you shall assume, / For every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you. — Walt Whitman, Song of Myself A word worth pausing on Thrive is one of the rare verbs in English with no clean synonym. Flourish comes closest, but feels botanical. Succeed is too narrow — it measures outcomes rather than aliveness. Grow is too vague, and prosper belongs to

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mother in her 40s with new child

Becoming a Mom Again in Your 40s: What Feels Different (and Why That Can Be a Good Thing)

As Seen In, New Mother, Parenting /

Featured in Good Housekeeping: “Here’s What’s Great About Becoming a Mom in Your 40s” 5/10/26   There’s a lot of conversation right now about women becoming mothers later in life. Many are curious about the experiences and challenges of becoming a mom in your 40s. And while the focus is often on what might feel harder—energy, timing, or starting again—what I see in my work tells a more nuanced story about motherhood at 40. Because

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adult children therapy patterns argument

Family Therapy with Adult Children: Breaking Intergenerational Patterns That Have Been Building for Years

Family Therapy, Parenting /

Family therapy is changing. More and more, families are reaching out—not for young children, but for older teens and adult children, often after years of unaddressed patterns.   These are not new issues. They are long-standing dynamics—communication patterns, misunderstandings, and emotional distances that have built quietly over time. And at a certain point, many families begin to ask:   “We can’t keep doing this… so what do we do now?”   Why Families Seek Family

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man listening intently to woman and accepting influence

The Strength to Be Moved: Accepting Influence

Men's Mental Health, Relationship /

“Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself, (I am large, I contain multitudes.)” — Walt Whitman, Song of Myself The mistaken equation There is a belief, held quietly by many men and loudly by some, that to be moved by another person is to be weakened by them. That to change your position is to lose it. That accepting your partner’s influence means surrendering your principles, your logic, your integrity. That the

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Man walking toward light through dark doorway, representing illness and identity transformation

The Threshold: What Illness Reveals About Identity

Growth, Thoughts /

On illness, liminality, and the self you meet when the ordinary world stops There is a moment — if you are lucky enough, or unlucky enough, to have it — when the ordinary world simply stops. Mine arrived in an urgent care room on an unremarkable afternoon. The attending physician looked up from her chart and said, with the calm authority of someone who has delivered this particular sentence many times before: “I’m admitting you

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couple in therapy intensive in San Diego holding hands on couch

Thinking About a Couples Therapy Intensive? Not All Are Created Equal!

Couples Counseling /

Over the past few years, couples therapy intensives have become increasingly popular — including here in San Diego and throughout Southern California. What was once considered a specialized format is now widely marketed as a faster way to create change. I recently saw a San Diego therapist referral group where someone asked a simple question: “Does anyone offer couples intensives?” Within hours, there were more than two dozen responses. What struck me wasn’t the number

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woman embarrassed and cringing feeling cringe about partner

What Is Relationship Cringe? Why Caring About Your Partner Can Feel Embarrassing

Dating, Relationship /

What is “relationship cringe”? For some of my clients, relationship cringe is that uneasy feeling when you catch yourself caring deeply about your partner and suddenly worry that being sincere about it looks uncool. It’s the internal wince when you post something affectionate or admit you’re happy in love, then immediately second-guess it. It’s essentially shame wrapped around vulnerability. In a culture that rewards irony, detachment, and emotional control, openly valuing your relationship can feel

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