- Setting Boundaries for Happy Couple Holidays - October 31, 2025
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The holidays can be one of the most emotionally charged times of the year for couples. Families have long-held traditions, expectations, and opinions about how things “should” be done — and many newly married or long-term couples find themselves caught in the middle.
Maybe one partner’s family expects everyone home for Christmas morning, while the other insists on the big dinner with their side that same evening. You love both families and want to please everyone — but by the end of the day, you feel stretched thin, resentful, and disconnected from the person you were supposed to enjoy the holidays with.
Sound familiar?
When “Our” Becomes More Important Than “Theirs”
Before you were a couple, you were likely used to doing holidays your way — your family, your schedule, your rituals. Once you’re in a committed relationship or marriage, those individual habits often collide with your partner’s. The holidays can bring this clash into sharp focus.
But here’s the truth: When you’re married or in a long-term partnership, you’re now part of the family you’ve chosen. That means your shared needs and traditions deserve as much respect as those you came from.
As I often tell couples in therapy: You can love your family of origin and still set boundaries that protect the health of your new family unit.
Boundaries Are an Act of Love — Not Rebellion
Setting boundaries during the holidays isn’t about rejecting your parents or in-laws. It’s about making intentional choices that honor your relationship. A healthy boundary might sound like:
– “We’ve decided to wake up in our own home this year and join everyone for dinner.”
– “We’re alternating families each year so both sides get time with us.”
– “We’re hosting something small here, and everyone is welcome to join.”
The discomfort you may feel — or the guilt others may try to put on you — doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It means you’re breaking a pattern that might no longer serve you as a couple.
Have the Conversation Early
One of the best gifts you can give your relationship this season is an honest, calm conversation about what matters most to both of you. Ask each other:
– What do the holidays mean to you emotionally?
– What traditions do you want to carry forward?
– What would an ideal holiday together look like — even if it’s different from what your families expect?
You may not agree on everything right away, but that’s okay. You’re creating a foundation for shared meaning — one of the core pillars of healthy relationships identified by Drs. John and Julie Gottman.
Shared meaning helps couples feel connected, aligned, and united — even when the outside world pulls in different directions.
Making Space for New Traditions
Once you’ve had the conversation, talk about what new rituals you want to create together. Maybe it’s hosting a “friendsgiving,” volunteering together, or having a quiet night at home watching your favorite holiday movies.
The key is to make sure your choices reflect your values as a couple — not just other people’s expectations. Over time, these new traditions become the heartbeat of your family story.
If You Struggle to Set Boundaries Without Guilt…
You’re not alone. Many couples feel torn between family expectations and their own emotional needs this time of year. If you find yourselves struggling to set boundaries without guilt — or if the same arguments come up each holiday season — this is exactly the kind of work we do every day at The Relationship Place.
Our San Diego couples therapists specialize in helping partners communicate clearly, manage family pressures, and stay connected to each other through stressful times. If you need help defining boundaries or learning how to hold them with confidence and compassion, reach out to our team. We’ll help you navigate the holidays (and beyond) in ways that strengthen your bond instead of testing it.
Final Thought
This year, instead of asking “How can we make everyone else happy?” try asking, “What would make us feel connected, calm, and joyful this holiday season?”
That simple shift can transform the holidays from something you survive into something you truly share.
Feeling torn between family expectations and your own needs? Schedule a session with our San Diego couples therapists at The Relationship Place www.sdrelationshipplace.com / 619-535-8890. Let’s help you set boundaries that protect your peace and deepen your connection.