Certified Gottman Therapist
Licenses:
California: LMFT #99008 | Texas: LMFT #205614
Dana is a gifted, compassionate, and practical therapist. She has achieved the highest level of training possible in the Gottman Method of couples therapy and has special interests in working with all clients, including those who live out-of-the-ordinary lives or have alternative relationships.
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San Diego Couples Therapy Insights from The Relationship Place
A sexless marriage can feel confusing and deeply painful — especially when one partner wants intimacy and the other seems distant, avoidant, or uninterested. Couples often tell themselves it’s “just a phase,” but over time, a lack of sex can create emotional loneliness, resentment, insecurity, and disconnection.
At The Relationship Place, we work with couples across San Diego (and throughout CA and TX) who feel stuck in patterns of emotional distance, mismatched desire, or long-term intimacy loss. The good news is: a sexless marriage doesn’t always mean the relationship is broken — but it does mean something important needs attention.
In this article, we’ll explore what a sexless marriage really means, why intimacy fades, how to talk about sex without making things worse, when to seek couples therapy in San Diego, and when it may be time to reevaluate the relationship.
What Counts as a Sexless Marriage?
There is no perfect definition, but many clinicians consider a relationship “sexless” when a couple has sex fewer than 10 times per year. However, what matters most is not the number — it’s the emotional impact.
A relationship may be “sexless” if one or both partners feel rejected or unwanted, sex has become rare or avoided, physical affection has disappeared, the topic creates conflict or shutdown, or one partner feels lonely inside the relationship.
In our work as San Diego marriage therapists, we often see couples who haven’t had sex in months or years — not because they don’t love each other, but because intimacy has become complicated, loaded, or unsafe.
Why Couples Stop Having Sex
Many couples assume sex disappears because attraction is gone. In reality, sexual disconnection is usually a symptom of deeper relationship stressors.
Stress, Burnout, and Life Overload
San Diego couples often juggle demanding work schedules, long commutes, parenting, finances, and chronic stress. When life becomes survival mode, sex becomes optional — or feels like another obligation. Burnout is one of the most common libido killers.
Emotional Distance or Resentment
Sex often fades when emotional safety fades. When couples are stuck in cycles of criticism, defensiveness, passive-aggression, unresolved conflict, or lack of repair after arguments, desire tends to shut down. Many couples don’t realize they’ve been emotionally disconnected for months before sex disappears.
Mental Health and Anxiety
Depression and anxiety can drastically reduce sexual interest. Anxiety can also lead to performance pressure, avoidance, or emotional withdrawal. Sometimes sex stops because one partner feels overwhelmed, disconnected from their body, or emotionally numb.
Medical and Hormonal Factors
Physical causes are real and common, including medication side effects (SSRIs), hormonal changes (perimenopause/menopause), low testosterone, pain during sex, postpartum recovery, or erectile dysfunction. Couples therapy is often most effective when paired with medical support.
Trauma, Shame, or Body Image Issues
For some individuals, sex can trigger anxiety, shame, or fear — especially when there’s a history of trauma, religious shame, or body image struggles. Even in loving relationships, a partner may shut down sexually if sex feels emotionally unsafe.
How a Sexless Marriage Impacts the Relationship
When couples stop having sex, it’s rarely “just about sex.” Over time, partners often begin to interpret the lack of intimacy as “I’m not wanted,” “Something is wrong with me,” “My partner doesn’t love me anymore,” or “We’re just roommates.”
In our San Diego couples therapy work, we frequently see a predictable pattern: less sex leads to more emotional distance, which leads to more resentment, which leads to even less sex. The longer this cycle continues, the harder it becomes to talk about it without shame or defensiveness.
How to Talk About a Sexless Marriage Without Starting a Fight
The biggest mistake couples make is waiting until frustration explodes. Instead, try a calm and curious approach.
Start With Your Feelings, Not Accusations
Instead of “You never want sex anymore,” try: “I miss feeling close to you, and I feel sad that physical intimacy has faded. I’d like to understand what’s going on for you.” This shifts the conversation from blame to vulnerability.
Ask Questions With Genuine Curiosity
Helpful questions include: What has your experience been like around sex lately? Do you feel pressure from me? What do you miss about how things used to be? What helps you feel emotionally connected? Often, the answer isn’t about desire — it’s about stress, resentment, fear, or exhaustion.
Focus on Connection Before Sex
Many couples treat sex like a goal. But for most people, sex is an outcome of emotional connection. Try rebuilding intimacy through affectionate touch without expectation, non-sexual closeness, date nights, intentional time together, and emotional check-ins. The goal is to restore safety and connection, not pressure.
How to Rebuild Intimacy When Sex Has Been Missing for a Long Time
If it’s been months or years, jumping back into sex may feel awkward or anxiety-provoking. A more effective approach is gradual reconnection.
Start With Low-Stakes Physical Intimacy
Examples include holding hands while watching TV, hugging for 20 seconds daily, cuddling without escalation, and kissing without pressure.
Normalize the Awkwardness
Many couples feel embarrassed admitting: “We don’t know how to start again.” That’s normal. Intimacy is a skill — and it can be rebuilt.
Create Safety Through Agreements
Some couples benefit from agreeing: no pressure, no goal-oriented sex, and physical closeness is allowed without obligation. This reduces anxiety for the lower-desire partner and helps rebuild trust.
When to Seek Couples Therapy in San Diego for a Sexless Marriage
Sometimes the problem isn’t the lack of sex — it’s the inability to talk about it without conflict. Couples therapy can help when conversations turn into blame or shutdown, one partner feels rejected and resentful, one partner feels pressured or inadequate, past betrayals or emotional injuries are unresolved, or sex has become anxiety-provoking or painful.
At The Relationship Place in San Diego, we help couples identify what’s underneath the sexual disconnect and rebuild emotional safety, communication, and intimacy. Couples therapy doesn’t just “fix sex.” It helps couples rebuild the relationship foundation that makes intimacy possible.
When It Might Be Time to Walk Away
Not every sexless relationship can be repaired. If your partner refuses to discuss it, dismisses your needs repeatedly, there is chronic emotional withdrawal, there is contempt or manipulation, or you’ve tried therapy and nothing changes, it may be time to reflect on whether this relationship is aligned with your long-term emotional and relational needs.
A relationship doesn’t have to be abusive to be unsustainable. Sometimes incompatibility is enough.
A Final Word: A Sexless Marriage Is a Signal, Not a Sentence
A lack of intimacy doesn’t automatically mean the relationship is over. But it does mean something important is happening — emotionally, physically, relationally, or psychologically. If you and your partner are willing to be curious rather than furious, this can become a turning point. And if you need support, you don’t have to navigate it alone.
Couples Therapy in San Diego: Support for Sexless Marriages
If you’re struggling with intimacy loss, mismatched desire, or emotional disconnection, couples therapy can help you rebuild connection and clarify next steps.
The Relationship Place — Couples Therapy in San Diego. We specialize in helping couples repair emotional injury, restore communication, and rebuild intimacy in long-term relationships.