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Deciding to seek couples therapy is one of the bravest — and healthiest — steps you can take for your relationship. Still, it can feel intimidating. Many couples wonder: Where do we start? How do we know if we’re choosing the right therapist? What should we expect from the first few sessions?
And let’s be honest — many of the people reading this fall into one of three groups:
– You’ve tried therapy before and left feeling disappointed or discouraged.
– You’re shopping for the right fit, but you’re hesitant to commit.
– Or you’ve got an upcoming appointment already scheduled, but you’re still second-guessing and comparing options.
Wherever you are, know this: you’re not alone. It’s possible to have a very different, more successful experience with couples therapy — if you choose the right therapist and prepare in the right ways.
This guide will help you feel confident, informed, and ready.
1. Know What You Want to Work On (and Stay Open)
Before your first consultation, it helps to talk with your partner about what you’d like to focus on together. Maybe it’s communication, rebuilding trust, or navigating a life transition like parenting challenges, empty nesting, or caring for aging parents.
At the same time, be open to the possibility that your therapist may notice patterns you aren’t fully aware of. Many couples arrive thinking there’s one specific issue causing their struggles — but most often, it’s a dynamic with many layers.
I like to call this the couple’s “seven layer dip.” There’s the obvious stuff you can see on the surface, but underneath, there’s a whole mix of messiness you’ve gotten so used to sitting in that you don’t even notice how it’s affecting your hope — or how it might be driving you into negative sentiment override. Therapy helps you uncover these deeper layers and begin creating new ways to relate.
2. Understand the Difference: Generalist vs. Specialist
It’s natural to want to use insurance when looking for therapy. But here’s what many couples don’t realize: insurance often pairs you with a generalist — someone who might see individuals, families, and children, with couples being only a small part of their work.
While a generalist can be helpful, couples therapy is its own specialty. To make meaningful progress, look for a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) or a clinician trained in evidence-based approaches like the Gottman Method. Specialists spend their careers focused on relationship dynamics — which means they can offer tools, strategies, and insights tailored to couples.
3. Consider Confidentiality and Fit
Another reason many couples choose private practice over insurance is confidentiality. In private practice, your work as a couple isn’t tied to insurance records or diagnostic codes. Many clients say this makes the experience feel safer and more respectful of their privacy.
You’ll also want to pay attention to the “fit” of the practice. Does the office atmosphere feel welcoming? Does the therapist seem genuinely curious about your story, not just checking boxes? Trust your gut — the right practice should feel like a place where both you and your partner can show up authentically.
3a. Why Past Therapy May Not Have Worked
Many couples reading this have tried therapy before and walked away discouraged. Over the years, clients have shared some of the main reasons they didn’t feel their previous therapist was a good fit:
- The therapist just let them fight without intervening or helping redirect the conversation.
- The therapist was “too nice” — validating feelings but avoiding being direct or challenging when needed.
- No actual tools or strategies were provided, leaving couples stuck in the same cycles without change.
- The therapist took sides, sometimes unintentionally “colluding” with one partner simply because they understood them more easily. The other partner felt ganged up on and shut down therapy altogether.
If you’ve experienced any of these frustrations, you’re not alone — and it’s not that couples therapy can’t work. It just means you hadn’t found the right therapist yet. At The Relationship Place, our job is to both hold space with empathy and give you concrete tools and interventions that help you break patterns and create real change.
4. Ask the Right Questions in Your Consultation
Your first consultation is your opportunity to get to know the therapist and see if it feels like a good match. At The Relationship Place, this consultation is with one of our staff who pride themselves on being neutral, open, and client-focused. Our goal is to help match you with the clinician at our practice who will be the best fit for your unique situation.
As you consider who to work with, look for a therapist who is open to your feedback about what is — and isn’t — working in therapy. The right therapist won’t let their ego get in the way. This is your relationship, and the therapist is the recipient of your vulnerability and trust. Find someone who lives that model: humble, collaborative, and focused on your growth as a couple.
Some questions you may want to ask during your consultation:
– What training and approach do you use with couples?
– How do you handle high-conflict situations?
– What role do you see for each partner in therapy?
– How do you measure success in couples work?
Remember: a consultation is not just for the therapist to assess you — it’s also for you to assess them. Don’t be afraid to interview until you find someone who feels like the right fit.
5. Prepare Yourself Emotionally
The mindset you bring to therapy can make all the difference. Come ready to be honest, open, and curious. It’s tempting to use sessions to prove who’s “right,” but therapy is not about keeping score.
Instead, it’s about learning new ways to understand each other, repair hurts, and build trust. One of my favorite reminders to couples is: “Be curious vs. furious.” The more curiosity you bring, the more space there is for healing.
6. Commit to the Process
Couples don’t reach a breaking point overnight, and it takes more than a session or two to rebuild trust and connection. Real change requires consistency.
A skilled clinician needs time to notice patterns, create alternatives, and guide you in practicing new behaviors until they feel natural. Too many couples feel relief after a few sessions and step away — only to find themselves back in the same cycles.
If you’ve tried therapy before and it didn’t seem to “work,” that may be part of the reason. You may have ended too soon, been paired with someone who wasn’t a specialist, or simply not found the right fit. That doesn’t mean therapy can’t work for you — it means you deserve a better experience this time.
Instead, mentally prepare from the beginning: therapy is not forever, but it’s more than “just enough to feel better.” The goal is to get to a maintenance stage, where the positive changes are strong and sustainable. That takes time, patience, and commitment — but it’s an investment that pays off.
7. Therapy as an Investment in Clarity
Sometimes couples hesitate to start therapy because they’re not sure they even want to stay in the relationship. If that’s where you are, therapy can still be incredibly valuable.
In fact, couples therapy often helps you gain the clarity you need to make that decision with confidence instead of fear or reactivity.
It’s also an investment in yourself. You are the common denominator in all of your relationships. Even if you ultimately decide not to stay together, the tools you learn in therapy — communication, conflict management, emotional awareness — become resources you carry into every other relationship in your life.
Another important benefit: therapy teaches you how to ask for your needs. Even if you doubt your partner can always meet them, the act of speaking them out loud matters. Naming your needs allows you to hear yourself, acknowledge your own worth, and practice vulnerability. This is a skill that strengthens not only your romantic relationship but also your confidence and clarity in every area of life.
Final Thoughts
Couples therapy is not about admitting defeat — it’s about choosing growth, resilience, and connection.
Many clients tell me they feel embarrassed that they “need” couples therapy, as if they should already know how to do this well. When I hear that, I often ask: “Where were you supposed to learn these tools? Did you somehow miss a class in high school on healthy couples communication?”
The truth is, none of us are handed a manual on how to navigate intimacy, conflict, and long-term connection. Therapy isn’t a sign of weakness — it’s a place to learn what most of us were never taught.
Maybe you’ve tried therapy before and felt let down. Maybe you’re still on the fence, wondering if it’s worth it. Or maybe you already have an appointment but you’re still shopping around. Whatever brings you here, this guide is your reminder: with the right therapist, the right approach, and the right commitment, couples therapy can change everything.
At The Relationship Place, our team of Gottman-trained therapists specializes in helping couples at every stage of life. Whether you’re feeling disconnected, navigating a major transition, or simply wanting to strengthen your bond, we’re here to walk alongside you.
Are you ready to take the next step? Contact us today — your relationship is worth it.