California: LMFT #100683 | Texas: LMFT #205809
Jeffrey is an experienced educator, supervisor, and therapist. He is trained in Gottman Method, Emotionally Focused Therapy, and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, working with couples and individuals. Jeffrey is the founder of THRIVEWAYS and Building Brotherhood, a program dedicated to improving Men's Mental Wellness. For a decade, he served as a group leader with Men's Center Los Angeles.
- How to Shift From a Fixed Mindset to a Growth Mindset - February 4, 2026
- What Men Don’t Understand About Female Desire - January 22, 2026
- Seeing Your Partner Clearly: Appreciation, Gratitude, and Connection - January 2, 2026
A Humanistic and Therapeutic Path to Change in Love and Life
In our previous post, Fixed vs Flexible: Why a Growth Mindset Matters in Love and Life, we explored what fixed and growth mindsets are and why they matter so deeply in relationships, work, and personal fulfillment. A natural next question often follows:
How do I actually shift my mindset from fixed to growth?
Knowing what a growth mindset is does not automatically tell us how to live it, especially when old patterns, emotional wounds, or relationship stressors pull us back into familiar ways of thinking and reacting. Mindset change is not just cognitive. It is emotional, relational, and behavioral.
In this post, we explore how to shift from a fixed to a growth mindset through a humanistic lens, drawing from the work of Abraham Maslow and Carl Rogers, and integrating practical skills from the Gottman Method, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and Internal Family Systems (IFS). Together, these approaches offer a compassionate and realistic roadmap for lasting change.
Quick summary: Shifting from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset is not about forcing optimism. It is about developing psychological flexibility, emotional safety, and relational skills that allow learning and connection to occur, even during stress or conflict.
Why Mindset Change Is More Than Positive Thinking
A fixed mindset tends to frame abilities, personality traits, and even relationships as static: This is just who I am. This is how my partner is. Nothing ever really changes. While these beliefs may feel protective, they often lead to avoidance, defensiveness, and disconnection.
A growth mindset, by contrast, sees life as a dynamic process. Skills can be learned. Emotional patterns can be softened. Relationships can evolve. This does not mean ignoring pain or difficulty. It means engaging with challenge as part of development rather than as proof of failure.
Shifting mindset is not about forcing optimism. It is about developing psychological flexibility: the ability to stay open, curious, and engaged even when things are hard.
A Humanistic Foundation for Growth
Humanistic psychology provides a natural foundation for a growth mindset. Rather than focusing on pathology or deficit, it emphasizes human potential, meaning, and the innate drive toward growth.
Maslow: Growth as a Natural Human Drive
Abraham Maslow proposed that beyond basic survival and safety needs, humans are motivated by a desire for growth, meaning, and self-actualization. Self-actualization is not about perfection—it is about becoming more fully oneself.
From this perspective, a growth mindset is not something we manufacture. It is something we recover when fear loosens its grip. Fixed mindset thinking often emerges when safety feels threatened. Growth emerges when we feel secure enough, internally or relationally, to explore and stretch.
Rogers: The Conditions That Make Growth Possible
Carl Rogers identified three core conditions that allow people to grow:
- Unconditional positive regard – feeling accepted, even when imperfect
- Empathic understanding – feeling deeply understood
- Congruence – being real and authentic rather than performing
When these conditions are present, whether in therapy, relationships, or within ourselves, growth becomes possible. Shifting mindset, then, is not about harsh self-correction. It is about creating conditions where learning and change feel safe.
Step One: Developing Awareness of Fixed Mindset Patterns
We cannot change what we cannot see. The first step in shifting mindset is learning to recognize fixed mindset patterns as they arise.
Fixed mindset thoughts often sound like:
- “I’m just not good at this.”
- “This always goes badly.”
- “If I try and fail, it means something about me.”
In IFS language, these thoughts are often generated by protective parts—parts of us that learned, often long ago, that failure or vulnerability was dangerous. Their goal is not to sabotage us, but to protect us from shame, rejection, or disappointment.
Practice:
When you notice a rigid or self-limiting thought, pause and ask:
- Is this a fact, or a familiar story?
- What might this part of me be trying to protect me from?
Awareness alone begins to loosen rigidity.
Step Two: ACT Skills for Psychological Flexibility
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) offers powerful tools for shifting mindset, not by arguing with thoughts, but by changing how we relate to them.
Cognitive Defusion
Rather than trying to replace fixed mindset thoughts with positive ones, ACT teaches defusion: creating space between you and your thoughts.
Instead of “I can’t handle conflict,” try:
“I’m noticing the thought that I can’t handle conflict.”
This small shift reduces the thought’s authority. It becomes information, not a command.
Values-Based Action
ACT emphasizes living in alignment with values rather than waiting to feel confident or certain. A growth mindset is strengthened when we act according to what matters—even while fear or doubt is present.
Ask yourself:
- What kind of partner, parent, or person do I want to be?
- What small action today would move me in that direction?
Growth follows action rather than waiting for confidence to arrive.
Step Three: Gottman Skills That Reinforce a Growth Mindset in Relationships
Mindset does not live only inside us. It shows up in how we relate. The Gottman Method provides concrete practices that embody a growth orientation.
Love Maps: Choosing Curiosity Over Assumption
Fixed mindset thinking often assumes we already know our partner. Love Maps invite ongoing curiosity about your partner’s inner world—their stresses, dreams, fears, and evolving identity.
Curiosity itself is a growth mindset skill.
Turning Toward Bids for Connection
Every relationship includes daily “bids” for attention and connection. Responding to these bids reinforces the belief that effort matters and connection can grow.
Softened Startup and Repair
Growth-oriented couples see conflict as workable. Using softened startups and repair attempts shifts the narrative from we’re broken to we’re learning how to navigate this together.
These skills create lived experiences that contradict fixed beliefs about relationships.
Step Four: Internal Family Systems and Compassionate Change
IFS teaches that resistance to growth is not the enemy. It is a signal.
Parts that cling to fixed beliefs often fear:
- Embarrassment
- Rejection
- Emotional overwhelm
Rather than trying to override these parts, growth comes from listening to them with compassion.
Practice:
- Identify the part that resists change.
- Ask what it is afraid would happen if you grew or tried.
- Thank it for its protective role.
- Invite it to allow small experiments in change.
When parts feel respected, they soften.
Step Five: Behavioral Experiments That Build New Evidence
Mindsets change through experience. Choose small, intentional experiments that challenge fixed beliefs:
- Initiating a vulnerable conversation
- Staying present during discomfort instead of avoiding it
- Asking for feedback
Afterward, reflect:
- What did I learn?
- What surprised me?
These experiences accumulate into a new internal story: I can learn. I can adapt. I can grow.
A Daily Growth Mindset Practice
- Morning: Notice fixed thoughts without judgment
- Midday: Take one values-based action
- Relational: Practice curiosity or connection
- Evening: Reflect on one growth moment
Consistency matters more than intensity.
Growth Is a Practice, Not a Personality Trait
Shifting from a fixed to a growth mindset is not about becoming endlessly optimistic or erasing fear. It is about learning to stay engaged—with yourself, with others, and with life—even when growth feels uncomfortable.
Through a humanistic lens, growth is not a demand placed upon you. It is an invitation—one that honors your limits while gently expanding them.
If you would like support in cultivating a growth mindset in your relationships or personal life, our therapists are here to help—in person in San Diego or through secure virtual therapy across California.
THRIVEWAYS: Men’s Mental Health
Related reading: Fixed vs Flexible: Why a Growth Mindset Matters in Love and Life