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Drs. John and Julie Gottman remark, throughout their work on relationships, that “everyone is a philosopher,” since our choices and actions are informed by our deeply held beliefs and values. In this series of essays, I call upon the dear reader to challenge their philosophical perspective, to check their premises. Let’s consider ourselves and our partners in a new light and see what we might discover. Not an attempt to persuade — rather an invitation to explore.
From an early age, many of us were taught that selfishness is wrong. “Think of others first.” “Don’t be selfish.” “Love means sacrifice.” These messages are so deeply woven into our culture that they rarely get questioned. And yet, in my work as a therapist, I see how this conditioning leaves people depleted, resentful, or quietly desperate in their relationships.
But what if this common wisdom is backward? What if true love and authentic generosity begin not with sacrifice but with a rational, disciplined care for our own needs and self-worth?
In this essay, I’ll draw together three perspectives that challenge the prevalent ideal of self-sacrifice:
Ayn Rand’s philosophy of rational selfishness,
Abraham Maslow and Scott Barry Kaufman’s psychology of human needs and self-actualization, and
Nathaniel Branden’s vision of self-esteem as a psychological nutrient.
Together, they form a framework for flourishing in love and life.
Rational Selfishness and the Hierarchy of Needs
Reframing Selfishness
Ayn Rand’s book The Virtue of Selfishness is often misunderstood, even vilified. When people hear the word “selfishness,” they think of greed, exploitation, or disregard for others. But Rand used the term differently. For her, selfishness meant a rational concern with one’s own life, flourishing, and values.¹
She argued that morality should not be about self-sacrifice — giving up your higher values for the sake of lesser ones — but about living with integrity to your own hierarchy of values. The real vice, she suggested, is sacrificing what matters most for something trivial or unworthy.
In Rand’s framework, love itself is a selfish act — not in the sense of exploitation, but in the sense that we love what we value. To love another person is to see them as a profound source of meaning in our own lives. As the hero in her novel The Fountainhead proclaims, “In order to say ‘I love you’, one must first be able to say I.”
Maslow’s psychological map of needs
At roughly the same time, psychologist Abraham Maslow proposed his now-famous hierarchy of needs.² At the base are physiological needs (food, water, shelter). Next comes safety (security, stability), then love and belonging (connection, intimacy), esteem (recognition, mastery), and finally self-actualization (realizing one’s potential).
Later in his career, Maslow added transcendence — serving something larger than oneself. In his research, people who reached this level often reported peak experiences of unity, awe, or deep connection with humanity.
Maslow’s hierarchy is not just a pyramid of desires; it’s a roadmap for growth. Neglecting foundational needs — like rest, safety, or belonging — undermines our capacity to reach higher. And yet, when our needs are met, we are freed to create, to love, and to pursue meaning.
Scott Barry Kaufman, in Transcend: The New Science of Self-Actualization, reframes Maslow’s model as a sailboat rather than a ladder.³ The “hull” represents security needs (safety, connection, self-esteem), while the “sail” represents growth needs (exploration, love, purpose). A sturdy hull provides stability, but it is the open sail that catches the winds of self-actualization.
How philosophy and psychology converge
When we place Rand’s moral philosophy beside Maslow’s psychological research, the connection is clear: both insist that we must care for our own needs and values in a rational order.
Rand: It is moral to live for your own sake, guided by reason and a hierarchy of values.
Maslow: It is psychological reality that unmet needs prevent us from flourishing.
Kaufman: Growth and transcendence require both stability and openness.
All three perspectives converge: neglecting your needs is not noble. It is destructive. Meeting your needs is not selfish in the ordinary sense — it is the foundation of authentic life.
Why needs matter in love, work, and meaning
Love: When we neglect our needs, we show up in relationships half-empty. Partners who ignore their own rest, esteem, or boundaries often end up resentful or demanding. Love becomes a bargain for what they secretly lack. By contrast, when we honor our needs, we can give freely — not because we’re depleted and desperate, but because we’re whole.
Work: Many of my clients struggle with burnout. They push themselves to achieve while ignoring basic needs for rest or connection. They confuse overwork with virtue. But creativity and contribution arise when our foundations are secure. Work that is values-driven and balanced becomes a source of joy rather than exhaustion.
Meaning: We cannot sustain higher pursuits — spirituality, service, transcendence — if we are starving for unmet needs below. As Maslow argued, meaning is built on stability. Without that, our search for meaning easily becomes an escape rather than an expression of growth.
The seeming paradox is simple: meeting our needs first is what enables us to love deeply, work productively, and live meaningfully.
Self-Esteem: The Immune System of Consciousness
Branden’s vision of self-esteem
Nathaniel Branden, Rand’s student and later a pioneering psychologist, called self-esteem the “immune system of consciousness.”⁴ Just as the body’s immune system protects us from disease, self-esteem protects us from the corrosive effects of fear, doubt, and dependency.
For Branden, self-esteem is not vanity or arrogance. It is the conviction that one is competent to face life and worthy of happiness. He described two components:
Self-respect: confidence in our ability to think, act, and cope with challenges.
Self-acceptance: a willingness to see ourselves honestly, without denial or self-rejection.
In The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, Branden outlined daily practices to build this foundation: living consciously, practicing self-acceptance, taking responsibility, being assertive, living purposefully, and acting with integrity.⁵
When we live these practices, we develop resilience. We recover from failure, speak our truth, and live with purpose. Without self-esteem, even love can feel threatening — because we doubt our own worthiness of it.
Maslow, Kaufman, and the role of self-trust
Maslow placed esteem just below self-actualization.² He distinguished between esteem from others (recognition, respect) and self-esteem (competence, mastery). He believed both were necessary for growth.
Kaufman updated this by emphasizing self-trust — the inner assurance that we can learn, adapt, and grow.³ Self-trust allows us to step into uncertainty, pursue goals, and withstand setbacks. Without it, people collapse into perfectionism, avoidance, or dependency on external approval.
Branden’s work dovetails here: self-esteem is not just psychological preference; it is a developmental requirement for flourishing.
Self-esteem in personal growth and relationships
In personal development:
Clarify your values. What matters most to you? Which priorities are you tempted to sacrifice for lesser concerns?
Build competence. Take on challenges, learn from mistakes, and celebrate small wins. Each builds trust in your ability to cope.
Practice self-care as a value. Rest, boundaries, and reflection are not indulgences — they are the soil of growth.
In relationships:
Affirm one another’s worth. Gottman’s research shows that couples who thrive make frequent, genuine bids for connection and affirmation. Neglect erodes trust; contempt destroys it.
Negotiate from self-respect. Couples with weak self-esteem often spiral into defensiveness or dependency. By contrast, partners with stable self-esteem can navigate conflict with dignity.
Support growth, not dependence. Love means encouraging your partner’s flourishing, not becoming their crutch or controller.
Healthy relationships depend on two individuals who know their worth and honor each other’s values. When self-esteem is strong, love becomes an arena of growth rather than fear.
Putting It All Together
When we synthesize these insights, a picture emerges:
Rand shows us that self-care is moral.¹
Maslow and Kaufman show us that needs are psychological reality.² ³
Branden shows us that self-esteem is essential to both.⁴ ⁵
The lesson is simple: putting yourself first is not “selfish” in any pejorative sense. It is rational. It is the foundation for love, work, and meaning.
In therapy, I often meet people who believe they are failing because they are not giving enough — not sacrificing enough for their partner, not working hard enough for their family, not spiritual enough to deserve love. Yet when we step back, we see the truth: they are neglecting their own needs and self-worth. They are trying to give from an empty cup. They have not come to cherish their partner as the embodiment of their highest values.
What if the starting point for authentic love is not self-sacrifice, but self-respect? What if the most generous thing you can do for your partner, your children, or your community is to live in alignment with your needs and values?
That is the invitation of rational selfishness, the hierarchy of needs, and the psychology of self-esteem. Honor your needs. Respect your worth. Build your foundation. Only then can you truly love, work, and live with integrity.
Footnotes
Rand, A. (1964). The Virtue of Selfishness. New York: Signet.
Maslow, A. (1943). “A Theory of Human Motivation.” Psychological Review, 50(4), 370–396.
Kaufman, S. B. (2020). Transcend: The New Science of Self-Actualization. New York: TarcherPerigee.
Branden, N. (1994). The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. New York: Bantam.
Branden, N. (1992). “Our Urgent Need for Self-Esteem.” Psychology Today.