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“That’s your problem to deal with.”
We live in an individualistic society that tells us we need to take care of ourselves before we can form meaningful relationships with others. Can you recall a time when you were told “that’s your problem to deal with?” It could have come from a parent, a friend, a boss, or a partner. What is the story you told yourself at that moment? Here are some common ones:
- I’m on my own
- I have to do it by myself
- I’m the problem
- I’m unlovable
- I’m not worth it
What about the other side, have you ever told someone that the problem is theirs to solve? A less obvious story we communicate in that moment is the message that “I can’t support you” or worse yet “I don’t want to support you.” I don’t believe we mean to communicate that message to our loved ones, but it is the idea our society has taught us in order to protect ourselves and limit the opportunities that could lead to hurt.
However, I would like to pose the idea that moving towards the “We” Perspective can actually facilitate healing and connection.
“They’re the one that needs therapy.”
I can’t even begin to count the amount of times I’ve heard this type of statement from couples who enter my office. I understand where it comes from. Some people have already done their own individual growth and believe some experiences can only be worked through individually. It can be hard to stay present with someone who is working on themselves because it can bring up our own (probably unresolved and unrealized) emotions. And if it is hard for you to stay present with someone who is working through their own experiences, I encourage you to ask yourself why. Why is it hard? I would kindly suggest that there is still more for you to work on as well, and that is not a bad thing. Again, not everyone is taught how to support others. We understand the general concept but may not always do supportive things through our words and actions. Often unknowingly, our actions actually do the opposite.
When we tell our partner that they need to go to individual therapy, I know we mean that as a supportive statement. Therapy exists for a reason. It’s a structured way to process our experiences and how they impact us with a professional who knows how to manage the emotions and behaviors that come up during that process. Therapists are able to create a safe space for true vulnerability, but there are still limits. Maybe you see your therapist for one hour a week, but what about the other 167 hours of the week? Who creates that safe space for you then?
That’s why true healing is best facilitated when you have other figures in your support system, such as a partner, who are able to create that space through the idea that this is “our problem” instead of “your problem” to work through.
Shifting to the “We” Perspective
Here are some things to consider when trying to shift to the “We” Perspective:
- Actively listen to each other:
Active listening always seems like a simple instruction, but can honestly be very difficult to do in practice. As the Gottmans would say, if we do not share our thoughts and feelings in a gentle way, it is easy for the listener to become defensive. So while the speaker has their own instructions on how to best facilitate this, the listener also needs to be mindful of priming their brain to filter what the speaker is saying to really hear what they are trying to communicate. Focus on the feeling they share, rather than the context they share that got them to that feeling.
- Ask open-ended questions
We have to stay curious. It is so easy to jump to conclusions because “we’ve been here before.” Be open to the idea that this is different from what you’ve experienced before. Ask questions to better understand each other’s perspectives.
- Show empathy
Empathy can often be difficult to achieve because “I wouldn’t have taken it that way.” Again, we need to shift from our own individual mindset. Yes, maybe you would not have felt that way, but we are not talking about you here. So if your partner shares that this is how they felt from their perspective, try and imagine what it would feel like to be them. Sometimes showing empathy can be as simple as saying “I understand why you feel that way.”
- Focus on shared goals
The core part of the “We” Perspective is keeping our shared goals in mind. Maybe we have a shared goal of facilitating more intimacy, emotional and physical, in our relationship. If one of us suffers from performance anxiety, it can be natural to think that’s an individual path to work on. However, the positive or negative feedback we get from our partner can impact progress towards that goal. So really, it is a shared path we have to go down while one of us goes to doctors appointments to get medical check ups then the other practices patience and understanding and communicates positive thinking.
- Share accountability
It is so easy to go down the path of “well if you hadn’t done this, then I wouldn’t have done that.” That’s blaming. So let’s work on taking shared accountability. Everything we do is a cycle and a pattern. Sometimes it’s hard to see that role we play in our patterns, but it always takes two to tango. If we can take shared accountability, that’s saying “we both play a role, we both can do something different.”
- Reframe the language
When it comes to language, even the most subtle shift can make all the difference. A common shift in language has been utilizing “I” statements rather than “you” statements. However, another great shift can be in something like going from “I have to do this” to “I get to do this.” So when we think of the “We” Perspective let’s shift to the “we” language where applicable.
- Be vulnerable
Here, we are talking about risk. Being vulnerable means taking a risk on how someone will react to us when we are being authentically ourselves. This is a crucial component for relationships. I need to trust that my partner will be open to me. If something goes wrong, I need to trust that my partner will try to repair it.
- Show gratitude
Rewiring our brains is not easy work. We should show gratitude to each other for even the smallest shifts in our perspectives.
True connection is created when we show up for each other when the world believes that we should go through things alone. Intimacy is present when we can walk side by side with each other through difficult emotions. The joy of having a partner is knowing that you are never truly alone.
Are you ready to move towards the “We” Perspective? Visit www.sdrelationshipplace.com or call us at (619) 535-8890 to schedule a consultation and get connected with a San Diego therapist who specializes in utilizing Gottman Method skills to help couples navigate rebuilding trust after betrayal.