Certified Gottman Therapist
Licenses:
California LMFT #99008 | Texas LMFT #205614
Dr. Dana McNeil is a licensed marriage and family therapist and the founder of The Relationship Place, a San Diego couples therapy practice specializing in high-acuity relationships, emotional disconnection, conflict repair, and intimacy concerns. She has achieved the highest level of training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy and is known for her compassionate, direct, and practical approach to helping couples rebuild trust, communication, and closeness.
She is also the founder of Therapy Getaway, a structured couples intensive model designed for couples seeking deep, focused relationship repair. Dana has specialized expertise in midlife marriage challenges, empty nest transitions, and gray divorce, and provides training and professional education for therapists, including work connected to the Gottman Institute.
Her expertise has been featured in national publications including Oprah Daily, Martha Stewart Living, Men’s Health, Bustle, and SELF Magazine.
She is passionate about helping couples move from feeling like roommates to rebuilding emotional and physical connection.
- Why Am I So Anxious in My Relationship? - October 9, 2026
- Breadcrumbing in a Relationship: Why Crumbs Never Add Up to a Cupcake - September 25, 2026
- Dr. Dana McNeil Featured in Good Housekeeping: The Real Lesson Behind “Gummy Bear Mom” Parenting - September 9, 2026
You rebuild trust after cheating through steady, consistent effort from both partners over time. The partner who cheated ends the affair completely, takes full responsibility without excuses, answers questions honestly and stays transparent for as long as it takes. The betrayed partner gets room to grieve and ask questions, then gradually decides whether to risk trusting again. Together, you work on understanding what made the relationship vulnerable and rebuilding closeness. It is slow, but many couples do recover. If you’re just starting, begin with dealing with infidelity in the first days and weeks.
Can Trust Be Rebuilt After Cheating?
Yes, in many cases. Infidelity is one of the most painful things a couple can face, and it’s normal to wonder whether trust can ever come back. Couples who recover usually share a few things: the affair has truly ended, the partner who cheated takes real accountability, both partners are willing to do the work, and they get support, often from a trained couples therapist.
Recovery doesn’t mean going back to the relationship you had before. Many couples describe building a new one, with more honesty and a clearer understanding of each other than they had before the affair.
How Do You Rebuild Trust if You Cheated?
- End the affair completely. That means no contact, or the minimum possible if you work together, and telling your partner if the other person reaches out.
- Take full responsibility. Avoid explaining the affair by pointing to problems in the relationship. Those may matter later, but blame now will feel like another betrayal.
- Apologize sincerely and more than once. Show that you understand the specific ways your actions hurt your partner.
- Answer questions honestly. Your partner may need to ask the same questions many times. Be patient, and don’t add new lies, even small ones.
- Be transparent without being asked. Offer access to your phone, share where you are and tell your partner about anything that might worry them before they find out.
- Tolerate their pain. Expect anger, tears and setbacks, sometimes months later. Stay present instead of getting defensive or asking them to move on.
How Do You Rebuild Trust if You Were Cheated On?
- Take care of yourself first. Sleep, eat, lean on safe friends and consider individual therapy. Shock and grief are physically exhausting.
- Don’t take it as proof you weren’t enough. Your partner’s choice says more about them and the relationship than about your worth.
- Ask for what you need. That might be information, reassurance, space or specific changes in behavior. You’re allowed to have needs.
- Give yourself time to decide. You don’t have to choose right away whether to stay or leave. It’s okay to take time to see whether your partner’s actions match their words.
- Define forgiveness for yourself. Forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing what happened or pretending it didn’t hurt. It may come slowly, and it’s yours to decide.
What Do Both Partners Do Together to Rebuild Trust After Cheating?
Dr. John Gottman’s research describes affair recovery in three phases: atonement, when the partner who cheated takes responsibility and makes amends; attunement, when the couple learns to understand each other’s needs and rebuild emotional connection; and attachment, when they rebuild physical intimacy and commitment. Our guide to the Gottman Trust Revival Method explains each phase.
Along the way, couples can:
- Stop keeping score. Blame keeps both partners stuck. Here’s why it helps to stop playing the blame game.
- Understand the vulnerabilities. Once the immediate crisis has calmed, look honestly at what was happening in the relationship, without using it to excuse the affair.
- Reconnect in small ways. Regular check-ins, time together without phones and small acts of care rebuild a sense of safety.
- Make agreements together. Decide what transparency, boundaries with others and check-ins will look like going forward.
How Long Does It Take to Rebuild Trust After Cheating?
There is no set timeline, but rebuilding trust usually takes longer than couples expect, often a year or two of consistent effort rather than weeks or months. The length depends on how long the affair lasted, how it was discovered, whether there were earlier betrayals, and how consistently the partner who cheated stays honest and accountable.
Setbacks are normal. Anniversaries, a song or a run-in with the affair partner can bring the pain rushing back. What matters is how the two of you handle those moments over time.
What Are the Signs Trust Is Coming Back After Cheating?
- The betrayed partner checks phones or locations less often.
- Painful questions come up less frequently, and conversations about them end in connection rather than fights.
- You can laugh together and enjoy ordinary time again.
- The partner who cheated is transparent without being asked.
- Both of you can talk about the future with some hope.
- Physical affection starts to feel safe again.
How Does Affair Recovery Counseling Help Rebuild Trust After Cheating?
Affair recovery is one of the hardest things a couple can go through, and it’s very difficult to do alone. A therapist trained in affair recovery helps you slow down the conversations that keep exploding, gives the betrayed partner a safe place to ask questions and be heard, and guides the partner who cheated toward real accountability. Together, you can understand what happened and decide what you want your relationship to become.
The Gottman Institute offers more on rebuilding trust after infidelity, and you can learn about our approach to couples counseling and our affairs and infidelity counseling. Call The Relationship Place at (619) 535-8890 to schedule a consultation.