California: LMFT #100683 | Texas: LMFT #205809
Jeffrey is an experienced educator, supervisor, and therapist. He is trained in Gottman Method, Emotionally Focused Therapy, and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, working with couples and individuals. Jeffrey is the founder of THRIVEWAYS and Building Brotherhood, a program dedicated to improving Men's Mental Wellness. For a decade, he served as a group leader with Men's Center Los Angeles.
- Seeing Your Partner Clearly: Appreciation, Gratitude, and Connection - January 2, 2026
- Values vs. Goals: The New Year Reset That Actually Sticks - December 19, 2025
- Guys, Gratitude, and Gottman - November 21, 2025
One of the quiet truths I have learned through years of clinical work and lived relationship is that intimacy does not erode primarily through conflict. It erodes through invisibility. We stop being seen in the fullness of who we are. We are noticed for what we forgot, what we did not do, what fell short. Over time, the mirror our partner holds up becomes distorted, reflecting only our missteps instead of our character.
Appreciations are the practice of restoring that mirror. They are the deliberate act of seeing our partner with clarity, generosity, and depth. Not simply noticing what they do, but honoring who they are. Appreciations say, “I see the kind of person you are when no one is watching, and I want you to know that I see it.”
In the Gottman Method, appreciations are not a nicety or a personality trait reserved for the naturally warm. They are a fundamental Ritual of Connection. They are a discipline of attention. They are how couples cultivate what research calls a Positive Perspective, the lens through which partners interpret one another’s behavior with trust and goodwill rather than suspicion or contempt.
When couples struggle, it is rarely because appreciation disappeared overnight. It faded quietly as vigilance shifted from strengths to flaws. Rebuilding appreciation is not about forced positivity. It is about retraining the nervous system and the mind to once again notice what is already there.
Appreciations Are About Character, Not Chores
Many couples begin practicing appreciation by thanking each other for tasks. Thank you for making dinner. Thank you for taking out the trash. These matter. Effort deserves acknowledgment. But appreciation becomes transformative when it moves beyond transactions and into character.
There is a difference between saying, “Thank you for picking up the kids,” and saying, “I appreciate how dependable you are. Our children feel safe because they can count on you.” One acknowledges a behavior. The other tells a story about identity.
Character-based appreciations speak to virtues. Kindness. Steadiness. Creativity. Integrity. Courage. Humor. Tenderness. Curiosity. They connect present actions to enduring traits. They tell your partner who they are in your eyes, and why their presence matters in your life.
This is why appreciations are such a powerful corrective to shame. Shame thrives on the belief that we are fundamentally flawed. Appreciation, when done well, interrupts that story. It offers a reliable and steady mirror that reflects worth rather than deficiency. Over time, this mirror becomes internalized. Partners begin to carry each other’s best view of themselves into moments of doubt.
The Ritual of Seeing
Rituals of Connection are not grand gestures. They are repeated moments that say, “You matter to me, and I am paying attention.” Appreciations function as a ritual when they are practiced consistently, not just in moments of repair or celebration.
This requires vigilance. Not hypervigilance toward problems, which many couples already do well, but vigilance toward goodness. It is a commitment to spy on your partner in the most benevolent way possible. To notice the small moments that reveal character. The way they speak gently to a stranger. The way they persist when tired. The way they show restraint, generosity, or patience without needing recognition.
Gottman research consistently shows that couples who thrive maintain a high ratio of positive to negative interactions. Importantly, these positives are not limited to affection or humor. They include expressions of appreciation, admiration, and respect. These are the deposits that allow couples to weather conflict without tipping into contempt or defensiveness.
Seeing your partner with a Positive Perspective does not mean ignoring harm or bypassing accountability. It means refusing to reduce your partner to their worst moment. It means holding complexity. It means remembering that the person in front of you is also the person who has shown up in countless quiet ways.
Appreciation as Perspective Taking
Another essential dimension of appreciation is perspective taking. When we express appreciation, we are often stepping into our partner’s inner world. We are naming not only what they did, but what it may have cost them to do it.
“I appreciate how you stayed calm in that conversation, even though I know you were frustrated.”
“I see how much effort it took for you to show up today when you were depleted.”
These statements communicate attunement. They tell your partner that you are not only watching their behavior, but considering their experience. Research on emotional attunement shows that feeling understood is one of the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction. Appreciation is one of the most direct pathways to that felt understanding.
When partners feel seen in this way, they soften. Defenses lower. There is less need to prove worth through argument or withdrawal. Appreciation does not eliminate conflict, but it changes the emotional climate in which conflict occurs.
Gratitude and Credit as Balancing Practices
Appreciations do not exist in isolation. They are part of a larger ecosystem that includes gratitude and self-credit. Together, these practices balance what we receive and what we give, both to others and to ourselves.
Gratitude focuses on what we are thankful for in our lives and relationships. It orients us toward abundance rather than scarcity. When couples share what they are grateful for, they are reminding each other that their relationship exists within a larger field of support, meaning, and provision.
Equally important, and often overlooked, is the practice of giving ourselves credit. Many individuals, particularly those who are conscientious or self-critical, struggle to acknowledge their own effort. They minimize what they do well or dismiss it as expected. Over time, this creates an internal imbalance. We notice what others give, but not what we ourselves contribute.
Sharing credit is a way of restoring equity internally. “I want to give myself credit for staying present in a hard conversation.” “I want to acknowledge that I followed through today, even when it was uncomfortable.” When partners share these moments with each other, they model self-respect and reduce the silent resentment that can build when effort goes unrecognized.
In this way, appreciations, gratitudes, and credit function as a triad. Appreciations honor who our partner is. Gratitudes acknowledge what life and relationships offer us. Credit affirms our own agency and effort. Together, they create emotional sustainability.
The Discipline of Daily Practice
Appreciation is not about waiting until something extraordinary happens. It is about daily orientation. Every day, we choose where to aim our attention. The human brain is wired to detect threat and error. Appreciation requires conscious counterweight.
This does not mean manufacturing praise. It means slowing down long enough to notice what is already true. It means asking yourself, “What did my partner do today that reflects who they are at their best?” Sometimes the answer is small. Sometimes it is simply that they showed up. That they tried. That they stayed.
Over time, this daily practice reshapes perception. Partners begin to expect goodness rather than anticipate disappointment. This expectation, supported by research on positive sentiment override, allows couples to interpret ambiguous behavior more generously. When the emotional bank account is full, missteps are less likely to be seen as character flaws and more likely to be seen as human moments.
A Personal Note of Gratitude
In my own life, I am continually reminded that appreciation is not abstract theory. It is lived experience. I want to acknowledge my life partner, Dr. Dana McNeil, with gratitude and appreciation for who she is and how she shows up in the world.
I appreciate her strength and her steadiness, her clarity and courage, her capacity to hold both tenderness and truth. I appreciate the way she leads with integrity, the way she brings warmth and presence into every space she enters, and the way she challenges me to grow while loving me as I am. I am grateful not only for what she does, but for the character she embodies and the life we are building together.
Holding up a reliable mirror for someone you love is a privilege. It is a way of saying, “You matter enough for me to pay attention. You matter enough for me to remember who you are, even when things are hard.”
Appreciations are not ornamental. They are structural. They are how couples protect friendship, deepen intimacy, and sustain respect over time. When we commit to seeing our partner with new eyes each day, we are not changing who they are. We are changing how faithfully we witness them.