- Values vs. Goals: The New Year Reset That Actually Sticks - December 19, 2025
- Guys, Gratitude, and Gottman - November 21, 2025
- How Presence Turns Conflict into Connection - October 22, 2025
An ACT-informed reflection on living with direction, not pressure (and why this is men’s mental health work)
January has a particular kind of energy. It is hopeful, yes, but it is also loud. Everywhere you look, the message is some version of: optimize, grind, fix yourself, get serious, get ahead.
For a lot of men, that message lands in a familiar place: pressure in the chest, a spike of self-criticism, and an urge to “solve it” with a plan. New calendar, new goals, new you.
But if you have ever hit March and felt like the wheels fell off, it may not be because you lack discipline. It may be because you built your New Year on goals alone, without the deeper foundation that makes goals meaningful and sustainable.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) offers one of the cleanest distinctions I know for building a life that feels solid from the inside: values versus goals. When you understand the difference, you stop negotiating with yourself every week. You stop relying on motivation as your engine. You start living with direction.
And that shift is not self-improvement content. It is men’s mental health work.
The ACT distinction: Values are directions. Goals are destinations.
In ACT, values are the qualities of being and doing that you want to embody. They are not outcomes. They are not something you complete. They are more like a compass heading.
If you value being a devoted partner, you never “finish” being devoted. You can always take another step in that direction today.
Goals, on the other hand, are outcomes you can achieve, check off, or complete. They are measurable milestones.
If your goal is “plan a weekly date night,” you can do it, track it, and say yes, that happened.
Here is the simplest way to hold it:
- Values answer: “What kind of man do I want to be?”
- Goals answer: “What do I want to accomplish?”
Both matter. But they play different roles.
Goals without values tend to create brittle motivation. You are energized until you are tired, discouraged, or busy. Then the goal collapses, and the inner critic comes online to interpret that collapse as a character flaw.
Values without goals can become vague and sentimental. You keep saying “family is important,” but your calendar keeps telling the truth.
ACT is the integration: values set the direction, goals provide structure, and committed action turns it into a life.
Why New Year’s resolutions fail so often (especially for high-functioning men)
Many men I work with are competent and responsible. They can perform. They can provide. They can problem-solve. They are not lacking capability.
What they often lack is an internalized relationship with meaning that is stronger than avoidance.
Because when goals are not rooted in values, they quietly become negotiations with discomfort:
- “I’ll go to the gym as long as I feel motivated.”
- “I’ll work on my marriage as long as it feels appreciated.”
- “I’ll stop the compulsive behaviors as long as stress stays low.”
- “I’ll be present with my kids as long as I am not overwhelmed.”
This is not a moral failure. It is human nervous system logic.
ACT would simply say: you are letting your internal experience (stress, fatigue, shame, craving, resentment) run the show. You are organizing your life around symptom reduction, comfort, or control, instead of organizing it around your values.
When you build a year around values, the question changes from “Do I feel like it?” to “Is this the kind of man I want to be, even with this feeling in my body?”
That is where freedom begins.
A clear example: “Health” as a value versus “Lose 15 pounds” as a goal
Let’s make this concrete.
Value: Vitality, stewardship of your body, longevity, self-respect
Goal: Lose 15 pounds by April 1
Notice what happens when life gets real, and you miss a week.
If your identity is anchored to the goal, you interpret the missed week as failure, which triggers shame, which triggers avoidance, and the spiral repeats.
If your identity is anchored to the value, you interpret the missed week as information. You return to the compass: vitality. Stewardship. Self-respect. Then you take the next workable step.
Values create resilience because values do not require perfection. They require return.
The hidden benefit: Values reduce the power of shame
Many men live under a quiet tyranny of shame. Not always the dramatic kind. More like the background hum:
- I am behind.
- I should be further along.
- I am not doing enough.
- I should not need help.
- Other men have it figured out.
Goals can unintentionally feed that shame if they become the scoreboard for your worth.
Values move you out of scorekeeping and into character.
They help you ask a different set of questions:
- What would courage look like today?
- What would integrity look like in this conversation?
- What would self-respect look like in how I handle stress tonight?
- What would love look like, even if I am irritated?
That is not soft. That is disciplined. It is strength with a spine.
New Year guidance: How to build a values-driven year (without turning it into another performance)
Here is a practical ACT-based framework you can use this week.
1) Name your “North Stars” (3 to 5 values, not 15)
Choose a small set of values you want to embody across the year. Not goals. Not roles. Not a brand statement. Values.
Examples that land for many men:
- Integrity
- Presence
- Courage
- Devotion (to partner, family, craft)
- Growth
- Humility
- Stewardship (health, finances, responsibilities)
- Connection
- Service
- Self-respect
A values list can sound abstract until you define it behaviorally.
So do this:
Finish this sentence for each value:
“When I am living this value, people around me experience me as…”
Example: Presence
- “When I am living presence, my partner experiences me as engaged, curious, and not half-absent behind a phone.”
- “When I am living presence, my kids experience me as warm, responsive, and playful.”
Now it is real.
2) Translate values into “tiny committed actions”
In ACT, committed action is where the rubber meets the road. But the mistake many men make is going too big too fast.
Choose two small actions per value that you can do consistently, even when you are stressed.
Examples:
Value: Connection
- Send one thoughtful text per day (not logistics).
- Ask one real question at dinner before giving advice.
Value: Integrity
- Keep one promise to yourself daily (small counts).
- Name one avoidance behavior you will not rationalize this week.
Value: Vitality
- Walk 20 minutes 4 days per week.
- Eat protein at breakfast 5 days per week.
Small actions are not small psychologically. They are identity votes.
3) Expect the inner obstacles and stop arguing with them
ACT assumes something important: your mind will produce reasons not to do the values-based thing.
You will hear:
- “It won’t matter.”
- “You are too tired.”
- “This is pointless.”
- “You will fail anyway.”
- “You do not have time.”
- “She does not appreciate it.”
ACT does not require you to defeat those thoughts. It teaches you to notice them, make room for them, and choose action anyway.
A simple prompt:
- “Thanks, mind.”
- “I hear the story.”
- “And I’m still choosing my value.”
That is psychological flexibility in plain language.
4) Build a weekly review that is about alignment, not self-judgment
Once a week, take 15 minutes. Ask:
- Where did I act in alignment with my values this week?
- Where did I drift? What was I protecting myself from feeling?
- What is one adjustment I will make next week?
This is not a moral inventory. It is a course correction.
5) Choose one “relationship value” and treat it as a mental health practice
If you do nothing else this year, choose one value that directly strengthens your relationships, because men do not suffer in isolation. They suffer relationally.
A few high-impact relationship values:
- Attunement
- Responsibility
- Appreciation
- Tenderness
- Honesty
- Repair
Then ask the hardest, most useful question:
“What would this value require from me when I feel defensive?”
That is where growth happens.
Why this matters for men’s mental health
Men’s mental health is not only about symptom reduction. It is about building a life you respect living.
Many men cope by disconnecting: from feelings, from partners, from their own bodies, from meaningful risk. Or they cope by achieving: success as anesthesia.
A values-driven life interrupts both patterns.
It creates a different form of strength:
- The strength to stay present when you want to escape.
- The strength to tolerate discomfort without outsourcing it to compulsions.
- The strength to repair instead of defend.
- The strength to be known.
That is the work. And it is learnable.
Where Thriveways fits: A structured path to a values-driven life
This is the heart of the Thriveways program: helping men become the kind of men they respect, in a way that shows up in real life.
Thriveways is not about creating a polished persona. It is about building relational competence and internal integrity, with practical tools and accountability.
At its core, Thriveways helps you:
- Clarify your values (and identify where you are living someone else’s script)
- Translate values into concrete weekly actions
- Build psychological flexibility so feelings do not run your behavior
- Strengthen relationship skills: listening, repair, appreciation, conflict competence
- Reduce avoidance patterns that erode self-respect (including numbing, withdrawal, and compulsive escapes)
- Create a sustainable rhythm of growth rather than a burst of New Year intensity
Most men do not need more information. They need a framework, accountability, and a space where honesty is normal.
A values-driven life is not a solo project. It is built through practice, feedback, and committed action over time.
A closing New Year invitation
If this year becomes another performance, you already know how that story ends: a sprint, a crash, and shame that says, “See? This is why you should not bother.”
Instead, consider a different standard:
Not “Did I hit every goal?”
But “Did I return to my values when it mattered?”
That is the year that changes you.
Pick your direction. Choose one small action. Let discomfort ride in the passenger seat. Drive anyway.
If you want a structured path to do that, Thriveways is built for exactly this kind of work.