Certified Gottman Therapist
Licenses:
California LMFT #99008 | Texas LMFT #205614
Dr. Dana McNeil is a licensed marriage and family therapist and the founder of The Relationship Place, a San Diego couples therapy practice specializing in high-acuity relationships, emotional disconnection, conflict repair, and intimacy concerns. She has achieved the highest level of training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy and is known for her compassionate, direct, and practical approach to helping couples rebuild trust, communication, and closeness.
She is also the founder of Therapy Getaway, a structured couples intensive model designed for couples seeking deep, focused relationship repair. Dana has specialized expertise in midlife marriage challenges, empty nest transitions, and gray divorce, and provides training and professional education for therapists, including work connected to the Gottman Institute.
Her expertise has been featured in national publications including Oprah Daily, Martha Stewart Living, Men’s Health, Bustle, and SELF Magazine.
She is passionate about helping couples move from feeling like roommates to rebuilding emotional and physical connection.
- Why Am I So Anxious in My Relationship? - October 9, 2026
- Breadcrumbing in a Relationship: Why Crumbs Never Add Up to a Cupcake - September 25, 2026
- Dr. Dana McNeil Featured in Good Housekeeping: The Real Lesson Behind “Gummy Bear Mom” Parenting - September 9, 2026
To explain polyamory to a monogamous partner, start by reassuring them that you value them and the relationship, then explain what polyamory means to you and why you’re interested, speaking from your own feelings rather than criticizing the relationship. Pick a calm, private moment, expect surprise or resistance, and give your partner time to think and ask questions rather than pushing for an answer. Be honest about your motivations first; these questions for deciding whether polyamory fits you can help.
When people in a relationship are used to being monogamous, getting into a polyamorous relationship is a difficult concept to grasp.
There is some stigma and misunderstanding when it comes to polyamory. Many people don’t even know what being polyamorous entails, while others may be intimidated by the idea of entering an open relationship. This is why explaining polyamory to your partner can be extremely challenging. As such, it’s important for couples to understand what a polyamorous relationship really means, as well as why one’s partner may be interested in entering such a relationship.
In this guide, we’re going to shine a light on polyamory, and provide some helpful tips for communicating your desire for an open relationship with your partner. Polyamory can be so rewarding for individuals and relationships. It’s vital to properly communicate your feelings and desire to get in this kind of relationship with your partner.
What Is Polyamory?
Polyamory is a concept that permits individuals in a romantic relationship to be involved in multiple relationships romantically at the same time. The most important aspect of polyamory is that it must be done with everyone’s knowledge and cooperation. This separates polyamory from infidelity or cheating, which happens when one or more partners in a relationship are uninformed of each other’s non-monogamous behavior.
Polyamory is a form of ethical non-monogamy, a word that embraces any non-exclusive relationships that are consensually non-exclusive, whether sexually, emotionally, or both. Others include “swinging” and “open relationships.” Polyamory can fall anywhere beyond standard monogamy on a range of total romantic and sexual exclusivity to full non-exclusivity. It’s also different from polygamy; here’s how polyamory differs from polygamy.
How Do You Start the Conversation About Polyamory?
- Get clear on your own reasons first. Know what draws you to polyamory and what you hope it would add, so you can explain it simply.
- Choose the right moment. Pick a calm, private time when neither of you is stressed, tired or in the middle of a disagreement.
- Lead with the relationship. Start by saying what your partner means to you and that you want to talk about something important to you, not a problem with them.
- Use “I” statements. “I’ve been reading about polyamory, and I’m curious about it” lands differently than “Our relationship isn’t enough for me.”
- Invite questions. Ask how they’re feeling and what concerns come up, and listen without trying to persuade.
- Don’t ask for a decision. Make it clear this is the start of a conversation, not a request for an answer today.
For example: “I love you and I love what we have. I’ve been thinking a lot about polyamory, and I want to share why it interests me and hear how you feel. There’s no decision to make tonight.”
What Are 9 Tips for Explaining Polyamory to Your Partner?
Follow these tips to better explain to your partner how polyamory could benefit your relationship.
1. Be Prepared for Resistance, Especially if Infidelity Has Been a Past Issue
It’s worth noting that if you’ve already committed any form of adultery with someone else, a talk about polyamory is unlikely to be met with enthusiasm. It takes time and faith for these things to happen. Before poly may be considered in circumstances of infidelity, trust must be reestablished, often with the help of infidelity counseling.
Keep in mind that if you want your partner to appreciate and cultivate your poly self-identity, you must be willing to embrace and develop theirs as well. Create a secure environment in which you may listen to your partner’s emotions to the notion of being in a polyamorous relationship.
2. Make It Clear That You Value Your Partner
If you don’t approach the matter with the appropriate tone when you first ask your spouse if they’d be willing to be in a polyamorous marriage with you, things may become a little chilly. They’ll understand your desire for this sort of connection if you’ve always been on the same page about most matters.
But first, tell your spouse how important they are to you and how much you appreciate your connection with them before bringing up the idea of polyamory. Remember that this isn’t about blackmailing them into polyamory; it’s about solidifying their place in your life.
3. Be Patient and Allow Time for Reflection
Both sides should use the days or weeks after the poly talk for contemplation. Both parties in the relationship must figure out what they require to be happy and healthy. Are the non-preferred relationship structure’s disadvantages actually intolerable? Is it true that the advantages of the desired connection arrangement are unrivaled? What is the difference between a want and a need?
It’s not uncommon for the subject of polyamory to be brought up, discussed, and ultimately rejected, leaving the relationship stronger for having examined it. Similarly, polyamory may be brought up, discussed hypothetically over several years, and eventually lead to a good relationship start with little to no turmoil.
4. Avoid Negative Assumptions and Speak From Your Own Perspective
When discussing the importance of having an open relationship, make sure to focus on your own sentiments rather than how the other person is hurting your life. Before approaching your partner, get polyamory guidance from a counselor or someone you can trust.
Even if you’re feeling suffocated, don’t mention anything about how you expect this relationship will free you from your partner’s grip. Instead, talk about how you need more independence in your life.
5. Take It Slow
For the sake of your companion, don’t move too quickly. Polyamory allows you and your partner to progressively explore one facet of each other. You risk losing yourself or your partner if you go too fast. Allow your spouse some time to learn one facet of polyamory at a time.
6. Consider Why You Want a Poly Relationship
If there are problems in your marriage, being in an open relationship will not solve them. They may even yank you away from your lover. Before you get into a polyamorous relationship, learn from people who have tried it, including what was hard.
In an open polyamorous relationship, if you don’t speak the same language, you can lose your partner. Think about why you’d prefer to be in a polyamorous relationship.
7. Be Mindful of When to Bring It Up
Start this chat when you and your spouse are both in a good mood. If you start this talk when you’re in the middle of an argument, or if you or your spouse are frightened, concerned, depressed, or irritated about something, the situation will quickly escalate and spiral out of control. As a consequence, you’re more likely to end up with emotional estrangement and misunderstandings than you intended.
8. Make It Clear You’ll Keep Investing in Your Relationship
If your spouse is all in and has granted you permission to have an open relationship, it doesn’t imply you should throw caution to the wind and abandon your main partnership. Make sure your communication abilities are up to snuff. Also, make sure you and your partner work out the specifics of whatever relationship you’re in together.
Remember that polyamory should be used to strengthen rather than ruin your relationship. List the polyamorous relationship advantages you want to receive as you continue to explore together. Seek a counselor who can guide you so that you are both prepared and armed.
9. Patience and Privacy Are Key
This is a sensitive conversation, so hold it in private and provide time for your spouse to process what you’ve said. You can’t make someone react the way you want them to, so let them react as they will, and then wait for them to respond. Allow your spouse to express themselves and give them time if they grow enraged.
Remember that happiness should be the goal- whether or not you make the mutual agreement to be poly.
Whatever the final result, the most crucial part, as always, is healthy adult-to-adult conversation. If everyone involved has asked for what they want, listened to the other party, owned their own junk, and established their happy and healthy baseline, the final decision on the relationship structure is unquestionably the best one for everyone involved.
Why Are More People Accepting Polyamory Today?
These kinds of romantic entanglements are more frequent than you would imagine, and they’re just getting more common. In a 2021 study of single U.S. adults, researchers found that one in six (16.8%) wanted to try polyamory, one in nine (10.7%) had been polyamorous at some point, and about one in fifteen (6.5%) knew someone who was or is polyamorous. The study used a sample of 3,438 single adults designed to reflect the U.S. population.
Clearly, more and more people are becoming interested in open relationships. But why exactly is that?
Though it’s still uncommon for individuals in polyamorous relationships to share legal custody of their children, different types of ethical non-monogamy have become more common in recent years. The emergence of multi-partner dating apps and mainstream media portrayal, as well as social media and more easily available networks for individuals interested in the lifestyle, all contribute to this. People are also more willing today to be open about their relationships.
It’s important to note, though, that being in poly relationship isn’t “new” or “more prevalent” nowadays. People have been in these kinds of relationships for centuries, but at different times and in different cultures. It’s not a new notion to be in an open relationship. However, to be involved in one needs to be discussed a lot, especially with your partner.
Can Couples Thrive In A Poly Relationship?
A poly relationship may benefit a couples’ relationship satisfaction in a variety of ways. In a monogamous relationship, expecting a person to fulfill all of your needs puts a lot of strain on the relationship. Some monogamous couples prioritize the couple over other social contacts in their attempt to preserve sexual and emotional faithfulness. This can quickly become harmful. Non-monogamy, according to many polyamorous people, allows them to meet more of their needs by spreading them out across numerous people.
Similarly, giving up without making an effort to work things out might result in the early end of a wonderful relationship that is only going through a rough patch. This is especially true for monogamous relationships, which are more likely to continue when both partners work hard to maintain and sustain the connection.
However, because of their intricacy, polyamorous relationships need considerably more effort when it comes to communication. As a result, polyamory may aid in the development of the ability to stick with a tough topic and adequately communicate, even if it is unpleasant.
What Should You Do if Your Partner Says No to Polyamory?
Let’s say that you have an in-depth, honest, and open discussion about considering a polyamorous relationship with your partner. There is still a chance that they will not be receptive to the idea, or at the very least apprehensive.
Dealing with this potential outcome depends on you. Are you dead-set on being polyamorous? If so, the relationship you are currently in may not be fulfilling for either of you. If being poly is just something that has sparked your curiosity, you may want to have a look at your current relationship and weigh your priorities.
You are not obligated to abandon the concept of going poly without additional discussions. If this is something really important to you, it’s important to revisit this topic in the future or consider couples counseling. Couples counseling is beneficial because it can help you set boundaries together for these conversations and explore why each of you feels the way you do. A counselor can assist in steering the talk in a positive direction. The objective should be for the two of you to decide how to proceed in a sensible manner. Should you be monogamous or non-monogamous ethically? Are you able to reach an agreement or compromise?
Whatever you decide, don’t pursue other relationships without your partner’s agreement; that’s infidelity, not polyamory. If you’d like help having this conversation, call The Relationship Place at (619) 535-8890 or schedule an appointment.