Certified Gottman Therapist
Licenses:
California LMFT #99008 | Texas LMFT #205614
Dr. Dana McNeil is a licensed marriage and family therapist and the founder of The Relationship Place, a San Diego couples therapy practice specializing in high-acuity relationships, emotional disconnection, conflict repair, and intimacy concerns. She has achieved the highest level of training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy and is known for her compassionate, direct, and practical approach to helping couples rebuild trust, communication, and closeness.
She is also the founder of Therapy Getaway, a structured couples intensive model designed for couples seeking deep, focused relationship repair. Dana has specialized expertise in midlife marriage challenges, empty nest transitions, and gray divorce, and provides training and professional education for therapists, including work connected to the Gottman Institute.
Her expertise has been featured in national publications including Oprah Daily, Martha Stewart Living, Men’s Health, Bustle, and SELF Magazine.
She is passionate about helping couples move from feeling like roommates to rebuilding emotional and physical connection.
- Why Am I So Anxious in My Relationship? - October 9, 2026
- Breadcrumbing in a Relationship: Why Crumbs Never Add Up to a Cupcake - September 25, 2026
- Dr. Dana McNeil Featured in Good Housekeeping: The Real Lesson Behind “Gummy Bear Mom” Parenting - September 9, 2026
You deal with a relationship problem that can’t be solved by managing it rather than trying to fix it: accept that it comes from a lasting difference between you, talk about it with curiosity instead of trying to win, uncover the deeper hopes and values underneath each position, and find compromises you can both live with. According to Dr. John Gottman’s research, most conflicts in a relationship are perpetual, so this skill matters more than finding a perfect solution. Our Gottman Method guide explains the approach.
Working through issues together is a healthy sign in a relationship. But what happens when there isn’t a tidy solution? Psychologist Dan Wile put it memorably: when you choose a partner, you choose a particular set of unsolvable problems. Every couple has them. The difference between thriving couples and struggling ones isn’t whether they have unsolvable problems; it’s how they handle them.
What Is an Unsolvable Relationship Problem?
An unsolvable problem is a recurring disagreement rooted in fundamental differences in personality, values or needs. Gottman’s research found that 69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual. Partners might differ on anything from intimacy needs to attitudes about money, neatness, socializing or how close to be with in-laws, and still be happy together.
A more useful definition flips the pessimistic view: unsolvable problems are challenges that can exist without overshadowing the relationship. They don’t need to be solved. They need to be managed with empathy and care. Frustration comes from treating perpetual problems like solvable ones.
How Do Solvable, Perpetual and Gridlocked Relationship Problems Differ?
- Solvable problems are situational. They’re tied to a specific incident, like a missed chore or a scheduling conflict, and have no deeper meaning than the topic at hand. Couples can move past them by addressing them directly.
- Perpetual problems come from fundamental differences in personality, lifestyle needs and perspective. They come up again and again, but couples can talk about them with humor and affection and live with them.
- Gridlocked problems are perpetual problems that have become stuck. Talking about them feels painful, each partner digs in, and the conflict starts to spread into the rest of the relationship.
These categories aren’t fixed. Handling a perpetual problem poorly can turn it into gridlock, and avoiding a solvable one means it will keep coming back.
What Are the Signs a Relationship Problem Has Become Gridlocked?
- You have the same argument over and over without progress.
- Each of you feels rejected or unaccepted when the topic comes up.
- Neither of you can be flexible or move an inch.
- Conversations about it leave you hurt and frustrated, with no humor or affection.
- You’ve started to see your partner as selfish or as the problem.
- One or both of you shut down or avoid the topic entirely.
Gridlock often brings out what Gottman calls the Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Shutting down is especially common; here’s more on stonewalling in a marriage. Contempt is the most damaging; here’s how contempt erodes a relationship.
How Do You Deal With an Unsolvable Relationship Problem in Five Steps?
These steps help you manage a perpetual problem before it hardens into gridlock. For practice, try these communication exercises for couples.
1. Stop Trying to Fix the Problem
A perpetual problem gets more frustrating with each attempt to fix it. Accept that it isn’t something you can make go away. Acceptance doesn’t mean giving up; it means seeing the issue for what it is. Instead of asking, “How do we fix this?” ask, “Can we live with this, and if so, how?”
2. Identify the Pattern
If you keep coming back to the same issue, look at how those conversations unfold. You may start on a specific, solvable topic and end up in the same old argument. Naming the pattern helps break the cycle.
3. Calm Down Before You Dig Deeper
Gottman’s research found that when your heart rate climbs above about 100 beats per minute, you become flooded and can’t really hear your partner. If that happens, take a break of at least 20 minutes and come back when you’re both calm.
4. Find the Dreams Within the Conflict
Unfulfilled dreams sit at the heart of most gridlocked problems. A fight about money may really be about security for one partner and freedom for the other. Take turns being the speaker and the listener, and ask each other what the position means to you, what story or history is behind it, and what you’re hoping for. The goal is to understand, not persuade.
5. Find a Temporary Compromise
Once you understand each other’s dreams, each of you defines your core needs (the parts you can’t give up) and the areas where you can be flexible. Look for overlap and agree on a trial compromise you’ll revisit in a few months. Meanwhile, work together on the problems that can be solved; it restores a sense of teamwork and frees energy for the friendship that holds everything together.
Can a Relationship Last With Unsolvable Problems?
Yes. Every lasting relationship has them. Couples who do well tend to talk about their perpetual problems with humor, affection and acceptance, and keep a strong friendship alongside the disagreement. A relationship is in more trouble when gridlock spreads into everything, when contempt takes hold, or when a core difference, such as whether to have children, truly can’t be bridged.
When Does Couples Therapy Help With Relationship Gridlock?
Consider therapy when the same fight has gone on for months or years, when talking about it leads to shutdown or contempt, when you can’t calm down enough to listen, or when you’re starting to question the relationship because of one issue. A Gottman-trained therapist can guide the dreams-within-conflict conversation and help you find a workable compromise. Learn about couples therapy for recurring conflict, or call The Relationship Place at (619) 535-8890.