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5 Important Relationship Questions You Need to Answer

Couples Counseling / By
Dr. Dana McNeil
Latest posts by Dr. Dana McNeil (see all)

The most important questions to ask about your relationship are: Do you feel safe? Are you both happy? Do your plans for the future line up? Are your arguments healthy? Are you sexually compatible? Answer them on your own first, then talk them through together. If some feel too hard to raise on your own, talking with a couples therapist can make those conversations safer.

You’ve probably heard this a thousand times, but here it is again: Relationships are tough and they require constant work. You and your partner have to be ready to put in the work every single day, and one way to do this is through constant evaluation of your relationship.

Here is a list of some important relationship questions to answer both individually and as a couple. These questions will give you a clearer picture of your relationship. Under each one, you’ll find two follow-up questions to ask each other.

1. Do You Feel Safe in the Relationship?

In your relationship, you should be able to really be yourself without fear of being judged. Do you feel like your partner has the capability to stick with you through tough times? Will they be there if you had cancer or depression? If it is difficult for you to answer this question, seeking professional help can provide a safe place to talk about this.

Ask each other:

  • When do you feel most comfortable being completely yourself with me?
  • Is there anything you hold back from telling me because you’re worried about how I’ll react?

2. Are You Both Happy?

As humans, we rely on our romantic relationships to provide us with some level of happiness. Having bad days is normal, but if your relationship is fraught with anxiety and tension then there might be a problem. If you find yourself feeling sad or angry more than you feel happy, then you need to do some evaluation. Relationships require work but they shouldn’t drain you emotionally or affect your mental health.

Ask each other:

  • What’s one thing I do that makes you feel loved?
  • What’s one thing that would make our day-to-day life together happier?

3. Do Your Plans and Visions for the Future Align?

To strengthen your commitment, you need to agree on your vision and goals for the future. Is your partner ready to show up, do the work every day and accept you fully without harsh criticism? You need to be sure they are in it for the long haul and you’re on the same page about what’s important to you in life.

Ask each other:

  • Where do you picture us in five years, and what does an ordinary day look like?
  • Which of our big decisions, like money, children, career or where we live, do we still need to talk through?

4. Are Your Arguments Healthy?

Arguments are normal, but how you argue matters. Are you able to keep your arguments from getting out of hand, find a way to calmly discuss and reach a solution? You need to argue in a way that makes both parties feel heard.

If arguments ever include threats, intimidation, pushing, hitting or being afraid of your partner, that is not a communication problem, and your safety comes first. Reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (or text START to 88788) and talk with an individual therapist. Couples therapy is usually not the right first step while abuse is happening.

Ask each other:

  • What helps you calm down when an argument starts to get heated?
  • Is there an argument we keep having that we haven’t really resolved?

5. Are You Sexually Compatible?

Sex is important in any romantic relationship. Are you physically attracted to each other? Do you agree on issues relating to sex such as when and how it occurs? If one person feels sexually deprived or pressured to do things they aren’t comfortable with, it could lead to conflict. It’s a great idea to create a safe space in your relationship where you can openly talk about your sex life.

Ask each other:

  • Do you feel our sex life meets your needs right now?
  • Is there something you’d like more of, or less of, that you haven’t felt able to say?

How Do You Talk Through These Relationship Questions With Your Partner?

  • Answer on your own first. Write down your answers privately so you know what you think before you talk.
  • Pick a calm time. Not during an argument, late at night or when one of you is stressed. A walk or a slow weekend morning works better than a rushed weeknight.
  • Take one question at a time. You don’t have to cover all five in one sitting.
  • Listen to understand. Let your partner finish, then repeat back what you heard before you respond.
  • Start with what’s working. Share what you appreciate before raising what you’d like to change.
  • Use “I” statements. “I feel lonely when we don’t talk in the evenings” lands better than “You never talk to me.”
  • Take a break if it gets heated. Agree to come back to it when you’re both calm.

If you answered yes to most or all of the questions above, then you and your partner are probably in a great place. If not, carefully reflect on the questions and revisit them when you’ve had time to think about them properly.

It’s also a great idea to have a third party ask questions that are too tough to ask yourselves. If you’re struggling with these questions and need a therapist to talk to, call The Relationship Place at (619) 535-8890. I would be happy to discuss how I may be able to help.

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