Certified Gottman Therapist
Licenses:
California LMFT #99008 | Texas LMFT #205614
Dr. Dana McNeil is a licensed marriage and family therapist and the founder of The Relationship Place, a San Diego couples therapy practice specializing in high-acuity relationships, emotional disconnection, conflict repair, and intimacy concerns. She has achieved the highest level of training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy and is known for her compassionate, direct, and practical approach to helping couples rebuild trust, communication, and closeness.
She is also the founder of Therapy Getaway, a structured couples intensive model designed for couples seeking deep, focused relationship repair. Dana has specialized expertise in midlife marriage challenges, empty nest transitions, and gray divorce, and provides training and professional education for therapists, including work connected to the Gottman Institute.
Her expertise has been featured in national publications including Oprah Daily, Martha Stewart Living, Men’s Health, Bustle, and SELF Magazine.
She is passionate about helping couples move from feeling like roommates to rebuilding emotional and physical connection.
- Why Am I So Anxious in My Relationship? - October 9, 2026
- Breadcrumbing in a Relationship: Why Crumbs Never Add Up to a Cupcake - September 25, 2026
- Dr. Dana McNeil Featured in Good Housekeeping: The Real Lesson Behind “Gummy Bear Mom” Parenting - September 9, 2026
Emotional cheating is a close emotional bond with someone outside your relationship that takes the place your partner should have. It usually counts as emotional cheating when you hide or downplay the connection, confide in that person about things you don’t share with your partner (especially problems in your relationship), think about them constantly, look forward to them more than to your partner, or cross boundaries you and your partner have agreed on. No physical contact is needed for it to feel like a betrayal. If it has already happened in your relationship, counseling after infidelity can help you both recover.
You’ve been there — late-night texts, lingering hugs, or intense conversations that make your heart race with that “just a friend” person. You tell yourself it’s just a friendship, but somewhere deep down, a nagging feeling suggests otherwise. In a digital age where it’s easy to reconnect or catch up with old friends, things can escalate quickly, making it difficult to differentiate between a close bond and emotional infidelity.
You may wonder, are those secret smiles and shared secrets with your friend just innocent camaraderie or subtle signs of emotional cheating? In an era where heart emojis and deep conversations are just a click away, reflecting and recognizing where you stand is crucial. Below, we shed light on the signs of emotional cheating and how to respond when entangled in its grip.
What Counts as Emotional Cheating?
The Gottman Institute explains that emotional cheating is one of the betrayals that ruin a relationship, besides infidelity. It refers to forming a deep, emotional connection with someone outside of your committed relationship, often at the expense of your partner.
Unlike physical infidelity, it doesn’t involve physical intimacy, but rather a profound emotional connection that can detract from the primary relationship. This bond goes beyond mere friendship, leading to an intimate attachment that mirrors the closeness typically reserved for romantic partners.
What Are the Signs Of Emotional Cheating?
Here are some signs that might indicate emotional infidelity:
Secret conversations: If you find yourself hiding or deleting messages and calls from a particular person, it’s a red flag.
Sharing intimate details: A Gottman Institute article notes that one sign of emotional cheating is sharing details about your personal life, especially negative details about your partner and the relationship.
Thinking of them constantly: If thoughts of this friend pop into your mind more frequently than thoughts of your partner, that is a sign of emotional cheating.
Emotional distance from your partner: As you become more emotionally involved with another, you might find yourself distancing from your significant other. The distance may lead to a lack of intimacy in your marriage and mounting frustrations.
Defensiveness: If confronted about the nature of your relationship with this friend, you might become unusually defensive or downplay its intensity. In most cases, you will defend yourself with “We’re just friends” or “Don’t worry.”
Comparison: If you constantly compare your partner to this person or wish your partner could be more like them in certain ways, you’re on a slippery slope toward an emotional affair.
Anticipation: When you have an emotional affair, you’ll regularly look forward to your next interaction, message, or call with this individual more than with your partner.
How Do You Distinguish Emotional Cheating From Friendship?
Friendships are essential to our social lives, offering support, camaraderie, and genuine affection. But when does a close friendship cross the line into emotional cheating?
Understanding the difference is vital to maintaining healthy boundaries in your relationship. Let’s delve into the distinguishing factors:
Intent
At its core, friendship is built on mutual respect and shared interests, with no hidden agendas. In contrast, emotional cheating often stems from seeking something perceived as lacking in the primary relationship, be it attention, appreciation, or emotional support.
Boundaries
Genuine friendships respect personal and relational boundaries. There’s an inherent understanding of limits, both spoken and unspoken. Emotional cheating often involves crossing these boundaries, especially when sharing intimate details or seeking comfort for personal issues.
Secrecy
Friendships are transparent; there’s usually no need to hide interactions or conversations from your partner. In cases of emotional infidelity, there’s often a level of secrecy involved, either by omission or deliberate concealment.
Physical Closeness
In a platonic friendship, friends might hug or pat each other on the back. However, lingering touches, frequent hand-holding, or intimate gestures with someone can hint at emotions that go beyond friendship.
What Should You Do If Your Partner Is Emotionally Cheating?
Discovering that your partner is emotionally cheating can evoke a whirlwind of emotions, from betrayal and hurt to confusion and disbelief. It can help to recognize that, painful as it is, this can be a rough patch in a relationship that couples work through, which our founder, Dr. Dana McNeil, says is normal.
She says that when you encounter rough patches in a relationship, “you will have to make the decision that the relationship is worth being in and working on. If so, you must commit to rolling up your sleeves and doing your part.” Here are some actionable steps you can take to steer your relationship back to the right path:
Prioritize Open Communication
Initiate a non-confrontational conversation, an approach that Dr. Gottman describes as softening your start-up. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and concerns without placing blame.
For example, instead of saying, “You are always talking to them and ignoring me,” you could say, “I feel a bit left out and disconnected when I see you frequently chatting with them. Can we discuss this?” Using “I” statements helps to convey your feelings without making the other person defensive, fostering a more open and constructive dialogue.
Re-Establish Boundaries
It’s crucial to define clear boundaries on what behaviors and interactions are acceptable outside of the primary relationship and for external friendships. Clearly defining these boundaries allows your partners to navigate external friendships without inadvertently overstepping.
Seek Understanding
Often, emotional cheating stems from unmet needs. Instead of laying blame immediately, try to understand the root causes. Reflect on what’s lacking in the relationship and see if you can address these gaps.
Prioritize Self-care
It’s natural to feel a range of emotions—hurt, anger, and confusion. Dr. Dana McNeil recommends prioritizing self-care in relationships in such situations, arguing that “you can’t physically, emotionally, or mentally give to others if you are wiped out.”
Prioritize self-care, whether that means seeking individual therapy for relationship pain, joining a support group, or engaging in activities that promote your well-being. This way, you can better navigate these turbulent feelings, regaining strength and clarity to make informed decisions about your relationship’s future.
What Should You Do If You Are the One Emotionally Cheating?
Realizing you might be venturing into the territory of emotional cheating can be both alarming and confusing. Often, it’s not a deliberate act but a slide into intimacy stemming from genuine connections. If you find yourself on the verge of or already entangled in an emotional affair, consider the following steps:
Introspection
If you’re veering towards emotional cheating, engage in self-reflection and ask yourself questions like, “Why am I seeking this connection outside my primary relationship? What needs or voids might I be trying to fill?”
Understanding the root causes of your behavior can help you identify what’s lacking in your primary relationship and address it directly. This self-awareness can be the first step in making amends, preventing further emotional distance, and refocusing on the emotional health of your primary relationship.
Have an Open Dialogue With Your Partner
If you sense that you’re diverting emotional energy outside your primary relationship, it’s vital to speak about it with your partner. Choose a calm moment, free from distractions, to discuss your feelings. Ensure that you frame your feelings in a non-confrontational manner.
This dialogue shouldn’t be one-sided. Encourage your partner to share their perceptions, as this can provide clarity and might reveal underlying issues in the relationship that need addressing.
Rebuild Trust
While rebuilding trust in your marriage after emotional cheating can be challenging, it’s essential to understand that it’s not insurmountable. Start by genuinely acknowledging the hurt you’ve caused, as this acceptance, devoid of defensiveness, creates an atmosphere where healing can begin.
From there, commit to tangible changes. Words alone aren’t sufficient; your actions will solidify your commitment to restoring trust. Maintaining transparency in all your online and offline interactions can provide much-needed assurance to your partner about your dedication to the relationship.
How Can a Licensed Couples Therapist Help With Emotional Cheating?
Recognizing the signs of emotional cheating can be a jarring realization, but understanding is only the first step towards mending. The complexities of human emotions and relationships sometimes demand expert guidance to untangle.
A couples therapist can help you both talk about what happened without the conversation turning into an attack, understand the needs that went unmet, agree on new boundaries and rebuild trust step by step. At The Relationship Place, our licensed therapists offer Gottman Method couples therapy to guide you and your partner through that process. If you’re grappling with emotional boundaries or just looking to strengthen your bond, reach out to us or call (619) 535-8890, and let our experts support your journey back to love and trust.